SLIGHTLY ODWAY...

2005-08-18T22:19:00.000+10:00

hooray for being almost healed! it will be good to stop coughing myself to sleep and not blow blood out my nose. flee devil, you have no place here!

it's strange to come back after yet another seemingly long pause from blogging. there are many things to share, but i dont think i should, so my apologies. i think i'm turning rather secretive about my life. not that i'm hiding things, just that i'm not disclosing much info about my whereabouts and goings-on.
i love this tension - over the last few days i've found a balance that i've not yet known. it's rather exciting. life is like poetry for me at the moment. God is doing stuff that i've never experienced.

but i've found an interesting parallel - i have really bazaar/embarrassing/eyebrow-raising dreams during these times of spiritual growth. very peculiar...

i love going to my college! and then i hate it. but i'm learning so much and having a super time! but then i growl at the early mornings and cringe at my lack of discipline and sigh at my busyness and mope at my lonesomeness. but God satisfies my soul and fills my empty spaces and teaching me how to rejoice in the blessing i have been given in abundance.

something i've also come to an acceptance of is that noone else actually realises the difficulties that other people face. nobody truly wants to delve into the daily chores of another person. everyone's too busy being concerned about their own issues. the other day i had a deja vu when i was wondering if other people prayed for me. i remember a few years ago thinking that when i'm really busy and don't have time to pray, God tells other people to pray for my circumstances. it was funny to remember that naive mindset i had, and especially wondered if i still thought in a similar way. i hope not. how self-centred i've always been! so now i am challenged/convicted to pray alot more for others.

God is so funny! i love Him!

2005-08-02T20:06:00.000+10:00

yes, maybe i have gone a whole day without chocolate. i did have some milo at dinner, but that doesn't count. all day i've been craving chocky and my empty 'chocolate spot' has been growling. i havent gone without chocolate for a very long time. this is a very distressing day indeed...
i wonder about the so-called 'chocolate spot' that those of the female population seem to have. i would like to know if anyone has ever done research on it. you see, there is this space in the stomach that can only be filled with chocolate, so the person's appetite is never quite satisfied until chocolate is consumed.

God doesn't say much about chocolate. the only refernce i could find in the bible was Proverbs 25:16 in The Message version, which talks about a person without self-control:
"When you're given a box of candy, don't gulp it all down; eat too much chocolate and you'll make yourself sick"

ahh, the joys of chocolate. sigh, the sorrow of being chocolate-less...

in other news, i'm excited about seeing The Idea Of North on thursday night

2005-07-31T16:17:00.000+10:00

yesterday i got a dictaphone (otherwise known as a 'notetaker', but that sounds nerdy, while 'dictaphone' makes me sound tech. yes, we all struggle with vanity in our own ways...). anyway, it's cool. you can record things and make them double time or half time, which is so funny!
over lunch, nic and i watched this terrible show called 'beastmaster'. it was so poor, but fun times to laugh at the hopelessness of the poor acting and appaulling script/story line. and it was funny to record them onto my dictaphone and warp their cheesy cliche voices.
yesterday arvo/evening was hilarious at the breakthrough artz filming. thing is, the stuff that happened when the cameras weren't rolling were twice as funny. just shows that nothing beats the real thing. and wasn't tom great on his harmonica!
last night when i got home, i couldnt sleep (not that i tried too hard), so i watched 'deep impact'. i dont know what i want to say about deep impact. it was quite predictable, but kinda nice how, when faced with certain death, people reunite and love eachother. and the US president (Morgan Freeman) prayed over the people, professing that he believes in God... there were a number of biblical references (eg. noah's ark), and there were lots of 'sacrifice oneself to save others' instances. i guess i liked it. yes, i liked it. and it had elijah wood (aka. frodo) and leelee sobieski (aka. joan of arc), so i was well pleased...

as napoleon dynamite would say, "ok bye!"

2005-07-26T21:46:00.000+10:00

there's something about chris martin's voice... it's so raw and wailing, but there's this wholesome depth to it that flows like caramel topping...
and in "talk", there's this bridge bit that sounds just like the intro to hillsong's "evermore" from the "for all you've done" album (just 3 semitones higher), which also sounds like that hillsong untited song/tag that goes "open up the heavens, let Your glory fall..." i thought that was interesting.

anyway, i have a throat infection again, which sucks coz i cant sing for a while.

ta ta. i'm going downstairs to get some oj and watch rove.

2005-07-24T21:42:00.000+10:00

my love for coldplay has been re-ignited... i think i go through phases of coldplay. but i bought their new "x&y" album, and man chris knows exactly how i feel... every song seems so relevant to my circumstances one way or another...
and wasn't the moon big tonight! it was amazing. very yellow and very close. kinda eerie...

2005-07-17T14:25:00.000+10:00

whilst researching wine for ernie's "water to wine" bible study, i came across this site. it was talking about christians drinking wine from an islamic point of view. i feel so small and helpless. i really dont know much about islam, and it saddens me to think that so many people live by such strict 'religious' laws, instead of the freedom of faith in Jesus.

2005-07-11T19:05:00.000+10:00

just wanted to let all riley's fans know that he is ok over in the UK. he wasn't in london at the time of the bus/train bombing incidents. thankyou God!

2005-07-07T09:22:00.000+10:00

yesterday's visit to the dentist was funny. i had a cracked tooth, so Dr Geoffrey had to fix it up for me coz i was sick of my catching my tongue on it.
they strapped the happy gas nose thingy on and Geoff pulled out a sheet of song titles and artists, asking if i'd like to listen to something while he played with my teeth. how prestiege! i'd never been given music to listen to at the dentist before. i chose u2 (it just happened to be "joshua tree" - how good!) and the assistant lady chucked on the headphones for me.
by then the happy gas was starting to kick in and i so wanted to dance with bono, but my body was all prickly and tickly. last time i was on happy gas i haluscinated majorly and believed the dentist was evil and trying to invade my body through my mouth, so keeping this previous experience in mind, i continually reminded myself that the dentist is not out to get me...
but then (oh yes!) he brings out this massive needle and shoves it into my tender little gums and injects this numbing juice! no it was all fine. my familiar friend bono was very comforting.
anyway, it was over pretty quick and there wasnt too much drillage, so it was all cool. i was still coming down from the happy gas when geoffrey finished, so i was all smiles, which was embarrassing coz my smile was lopsided from the numbing injection.
i figured it probably wouldnt be terribly safe for me to drive straight away, so i went roaming the streets of manly for cds. noone had jamiroquai's "funk odyssey", which is very disappointing, but i did by a special edition of michael jackson's "off the wall", which i'm listening to right now ("workin' day and night" is so good!)

last night was of course state of origin, so tanya h, jo k, ewan, nicole b and stephen gathered around stephen's tv. queensland supporters seemed to be in severe minority, so jo and i (the only ones that didnt particularly like footy) formed the offensive team. it's more exciting going for the underdog anyway.
nicole set a challenge for jo and i to figure out the names of each of the players, so jo chose queensland and i got nsw. and i won! hooray! good on ya jo, it was fun hey.

oh and it turns out that i missed my mum's b'day - i thought it was today, but of course it was yesterday! stupid stupid lauren!!! how mean of me...

2005-07-06T12:55:00.000+10:00

sitting at my puter still in my fabulous floral pj's searching music store websites.
and i have decided - this is my soon-to-be amp:but i dont know enough about electrics at all. they all sound the same...

2005-06-28T22:51:00.000+10:00

do i believe in coincidence? well i guess i do to a point, coz sometimes things just happen. but sometimes things are just too unbelievably coincidental that they have to be divine set-ups...

2005-06-27T17:37:00.000+10:00

Just a quick message:

Saturday night 2nd July is my Soul RNB performance for college.
Step back in time to the 50's Soul era and witness my college friends and i take the world (well, CCC cafe at least) by storm.
if you're interested, come to Christian City Church, Oxford Falls, on Saturday 2nd July at 8pm. It'll be held in the Theatre/Cafe and entry costs $5.
i'd love to see some familiar friendly faces in the crowd, so please come and groove the night away (and yes, i expect you to wear your dancing shoes!!!)
see ya there!

2005-06-25T17:29:00.000+10:00

stupid lauren did something to her template when she was trying to add a make poverty history tag...

2005-06-20T17:31:00.000+10:00

new pajamas - nothing else compares to this warm fuzzy feeling enveloping my body... (even if they are daggy floral grandma pj's)

i can't think of a more pleasant way to spend my afternoon (wow- it's only 5:30pm, feels so late coz i did a 6am shift today), lounging around my room just after a shower, listening to katie noonan. candles lit. it's quite romantic actually... ha! i am so content right now. Halleluia!

2005-06-18T14:24:00.000+10:00

it's such a thing we all want - to explain to other people all the amazing revelations and ponderings that we've concieved about life, love and intellect.
i have come to the realisation that my blog isn't the place for my personal thoughts to be shared...

2005-06-02T00:29:00.000+10:00

My peppermint tea has well and truly gone cold now…
it's late, i wonder how i shall stay awake enough in new testament tomorrow morning?
oh yeh, i just remembered the reason for blogging:

HAPPY 24TH BIRTHDAY TO BIG SISTER NIC!!!

hooray!

being born 2 days after her birthday, i have always felt that no present could ever compare to the gift of my presence...

2005-05-16T18:47:00.000+10:00

today i recieved a phone call...
at 5:40am...
from my boss...
asking me to come into work asap coz scott called in crook...
so i went...
and i stayed...
until 6pm...
and now i'm exhausted...
but also satisfied knowing that i'm a little richer...

2005-05-05T21:42:00.000+10:00

WELCOME HOME BECK!

2005-04-25T11:25:00.000+10:00

whilst searching for info on britt merrick, i came across this brilliant article from a few years ago on the blog of this cool-sounding guy called Ben. it made me think...

a post from the Homeless guy. Whether you agree with it or not, it makes you think about the objectives of the people in charge...
A WARMONGER EXPLAINS WAR TO A PEACENIK
By Bill Davidson
PeaceNik: Why did you say we are we invading Iraq?
WarMonger: We are invading Iraq because it is in violation of security council resolution 1441. A country cannot be allowed to violate security council resolutions.
PN: But I thought many of our allies, including Israel, were in violation of more security council resolutions than Iraq.
WM: It's not just about UN resolutions. The main point is that Iraq could have weapons of mass destruction, and the first sign of a smoking gun could well be a mushroom cloud over NY.
PN: Mushroom cloud? But I thought the weapons inspectors said Iraq had no nuclear weapons.
WM: Yes, but biological and chemical weapons are the issue.
PN: But I thought Iraq did not have any long range missiles for attacking us or our allies with such weapons.
WM: The risk is not Iraq directly attacking us, but rather terrorists networks that Iraq could sell the weapons to.
PN: But coundn't virtually any country sell chemical or biological materials? We sold quite a bit to Iraq in the eighties ourselves, didn't we?
WM: That's ancient history. Look, Saddam Hussein is an evil man that has an undeniable track record of repressing his own people since the early eighties. He gasses his enemies. Everyone agrees that he is a power-hungry lunatic murderer.
PN: We sold chemical and biological materials to a power-hungry lunatic murderer?
WM: The issue is not what we sold, but rather what Saddam did. He is the one that launched a pre-emptive first strike on Kuwait.
PN: A pre-emptive first strike does sound bad. But didn't our ambassador to Iraq, April Gillespie, know about and green-light the invasion of Kuwait?
WM: Let's deal with the present, shall we? As of today, Iraq could sell its biological and chemical weapons to Al Quaida. Osama BinLaden himself released an audio tape calling on Iraqis to suicide-attack us, proving a partnership between the two.
PN: Osama Bin Laden? Wasn't the point of invading Afghanistan to kill him?
WM: Actually, it's not 100% certain that it's really Osama Bin Laden on the tapes. But the lesson from the tape is the same: there could easily be a partnership between al-Qaida and Saddam Hussein unless we act.
PN: Is this the same audio tape where Osama Bin Laden labels Saddam a secular infidel?
WM: You're missing the point by just focusing on the tape. Powell presented a strong case against Iraq.
PN: He did?
WM: Yes, he showed satellite pictures of an Al Quaeda poison factory in Iraq.
PN: But didn't that turn out to be a harmless shack in the part of Iraq controlled by the Kurdish opposition?
WM: And a British intelligence report...
PN: Didn't that turn out to be copied from an out-of-date graduate student paper?
WM: And reports of mobile weapons labs...
PN: Weren't those just artistic renderings?
WM: And reports of Iraquis scuttling and hiding evidence from inspectors...
PN: Wasn't that evidence contradicted by the chief weapons inspector, Hans Blix?
WM: Yes, but there is plently of other hard evidence that cannot be revealed because it would compromise our security.
PN: So there is no publicly available evidence of weapons of mass dectruction in Iraq?
WM: The inspectors are not detectives, it's not their JOB to find evidence. You're missing the point.
PN: So what is the point?
WM: The main point is that we are invading Iraq because resolution 1441 threatened "severe consequences." If we do not act, the security council will become an irrelevant debating society.
PN: So the main point is to uphold the rulings of the security council?
WM: Absolutely. ...unless it rules against us.
PN: And what if it does rule against us?
WM: In that case, we must lead a coalition of the willing to invade Iraq.
PN: Coalition of the willing? Who's that?
WM: Britain, Turkey, Bulgaria, Spain, and Italy, for starters.
PN: I thought Turkey refused to help us unless we gave them tens of billions of dollars.
WM: Nevertheless, they may now be willing.
PN: I thought public opinion in all those countries was against war.
WM: Current public opinion is irrelevant. The majority expresses its will by electing leaders to make decisions.
PN: So it's the decisions of leaders elected by the majority that is important?
WM: Yes.
PN: But George Bush wasn't elected by voters. He was selected by the U.S. Supreme C...-
WM: I mean, we must support the decisions of our leaders, however they were elected, because they are acting in our best interest. This is about being a patriot. That's the bottom line.
PN: So if we do not support the decisions of the president, we are not patriotic?
WM: I never said that.
PN: So what are you saying? Why are we invading Iraq?
WM: As I said, because there is a chance that they have weapons of mass destruction that threaten us and our allies.
PN: But the inspectors have not been able to find any such weapons.
WM: Iraq is obviously hiding them.
PN: You know this? How?
WM: Because we know they had the weapons ten years ago, and they are still unaccounted for.
PN: The weapons we sold them, you mean?
WM: Precisely.
PN: But I thought those biological and chemical weapons would degrade to an unusable state over ten years.
WM: But there is a chance that some have not degraded.
PN: So as long as there is even a small chance that such weapons exist, we must invade?
WM: Exactly.
PN: But North Korea actually has large amounts of usable chemical, biological, AND nuclear weapons, AND long range missiles that can reach the west coast AND it has expelled nuclear weapons inspectors, AND threatened to turn America into a sea of fire.
WM: That's a diplomatic issue.
PN: So why are we invading Iraq instead of using diplomacy?
WM: Aren't you listening? We are invading Iraq because we cannot allow the inspections to drag on indefinitely. Iraq has been delaying, deceiving, and denying for over ten years, and inspections cost us tens of millions.
PN: But I thought war would cost us tens of billions.
WM: Yes, but this is not about money. This is about security.
PN: But wouldn't a pre-emptive war against Iraq ignite radical Muslim sentiments against us, and decrease our security?
WM: Possibly, but we must not allow the terrorists to change the way we live. Once we do that, the terrorists have already won.
PN: So what is the purpose of the Department of Homeland Security, color-coded terror alerts, and the Patriot Act? Don't these change the way we live?
WM: I thought you had questions about Iraq.
PN: I do. Why are we invading Iraq?
WM: For the last time, we are invading Iraq because the world has called on Saddam Hussein to disarm, and he has failed to do so. He must now face the consequences.
PN: So, likewise, if the world called on us to do something, such as find a peaceful solution, we would have an obligation to listen?
WM: By "world", I meant the United Nations.
PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the United Nations?
WM: By "United Nations" I meant the Security Council.
PN: So, we have an an obligation to listen to the Security Council?
WM: I meant the majority of the Security Council.
PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the majority of the Security Council?
WM: Well... there could be an unreasonable veto.
PN: In which case?
WM: In which case, we have an obligation to ignore the veto.
PN: And if the majority of the Security Council does not support us at all?
WM: Then we have an obligation to ignore the Security Council.
PN: That makes no sense.
WM: If you love Iraq so much, you should move there. Or maybe France, with the all the other cheese-eating surrender monkeys. It's time to boycott their wine and cheese, no doubt about that.
PN: I give up!

2005-03-17T21:31:00.000+11:00

well it's been a good experience once again to go on a blogging holiday. contributed to the fact that there's been no time to blog anyway...

i just finished watching the film "momento" (starring guy pearce), which i've been viewing in small bits and pieces whilst in my kitchen this week. man that movie was bizaar, but extraordinary. i don't think i've ever watched a film quite like this one. the story was so clever and the way it was filmed was just ingenious. it really got my head working. if i was doing the hsc again, i'd definitely use that as an English source - heaps complex, symbolic in it's film techniques and some brilliant concepts. aside from the negative outcome and themes, it'd have to be one of the most thought-provoking, enthralling and fascinating films i've watched in my life thus far.
maybe no one else gets this, but if i'm watching a movie and don't get to finish it, for the first hour or so after turning the tv off, i somehow find myself in the same mindset as the main character. yesterday arvo i caught myself almost believing that i had a short memory loss condition - bizaar hey!
like when i was reading the "tomorrow when the war began" series, every now and again when i went bushwalking around duffys forest i sorta believed that the rest of sydney was held captive and helicopters were about to appear over the trees and i would have to hide somewhere and noone knew where i was...
there's something about arts that captivates us and puts us in a place of impressionalism. by this i mean we become easily impressionable by the things arround us - that these things have the ability to change our perception of what's real and what's not...
art takes us somewhere else and challenges our convictions, causing us to make decisions about our ideas and truths. art is a language in which our heart takes over when our head is overcome with riddles and the inability to comprehend. art takes us to a powerful spiritual dimension.
in this film i was taken from my 'everyday lauren' way of thinking, to a place of denial. it was powerful. i was engrossed.
supposedly there is a proven "God-spot" in our brain extremely close to the creative area. when our creativity is activated, it taps into this spiritual section too, causing us humans to enter into and experience a spiritual dimension. i'm intrigued. i want to find out more. as an artist, how can i use this to reach others?

anyway, it was a good movie. go and hire it. or borrow it from the library (i did...)

2005-03-02T18:10:00.000+11:00

some days i feel like i'm drowning in a sea of self-pity...
luke h was telling me about how satan loves (i wonder if satan is actually capable of love?) to make us feel miserable and poor. funny coz just over the last coupla days there's been this heavy feeling of wretchedness - that i'm under attack, condemnation, guiltfulness, incompitemency...
i'm sick of this world telling me i'm not good enough. i don't care anymore...

so let's start over again. with good news...
college camp was great - growing new friendships, being encouraged, and God's challenging me and changing my values.
oh and at college today we were sorted into our aural music classes (i had to do a test the other day) and i wasnt put in the lowest class. this is definitely a yay thing because i feel like it could be possible that i'm not out of my depths and i'm meant to be here at a music college where everybody's smart at music stuff - it seems that i'm not the least knowledgeable, which makes me feel better...

just went down to the library and borrowed a stack of cd's. praise God for free legal music.

and i have a mentor as of today! yay!

and i'm excited to see what God does this weekend coz there's heaps happening and i know He's at work heaps and it's been so odd to observe all the random things that have been going on that i know God has had a hand in. there have been tons and tons of strange and obscure circumstances of late that have popped up here there and everywhere, completely out of the ordinary and it's been phenominal and quite bizaar... but very encouraging to witness the Holy Spirit at work in myself and others around me...

goodo. already i feel better. complaining is such an indulgence in our insecurities. i need to remember that more often.

2005-02-24T21:42:00.000+11:00

i have issues!!!

it's been a little joke with Stephen Morse that we both have 'issues'... well i've been realising that i actually do have unresolved issues going on that are hazardous...

so i want to apologise to everyone in the blogging world in general to start my season of confession.
there have been many times that i've written stuff in my blog for sympathy, etc. i wanna stop doing that ok.
also many of my posts are bitter and twisted. i'm sick of complaining. you know, it's actually a sin to complain (see Philippians 2:14).

there are many people that i may have been a negative influencial character/contributor, and i want to say sorry for the stupid and selfish things i have said they may have offended and hurt people.

this is not a negative post, it could actually be quite a liberating and healthy message. Praise God that He's put this on my heart and wants me to get down and dirty to fix the mess i've made. it's good.

Reading over some notes that i took today in my "leadership and faith" lecture today, i found an interesting little points i'd written:
"Demons are like the bugs under the floorboards - they're happy as long as there's no light. When you expose a trouble in your heart, you're ripping up a floorboard, revealing light onto those demons as they scurry away"...
the word 'demons' was actually referring to sin at the time, so it really spoke to me for where i am right now.

2005-02-22T23:19:00.000+11:00

ok
tonight has been slightly productive by the fact that i've done half of my to-do list, including calling a vast array of people (although only being able to get a hold of half) and organising ernie jnr girls small groups. i realise that this aint really that good, but considering my brain being fried, scramble and poached (however you like your eggs...), i still did alright for myself.

you know that saying "be careful what you wish for..." well i think that's a stupid but quite true saying. you pray for something, but God finds great enjoyment and amusement in answering those prayers in one sense, but absolutely different from what you really wanted to see happen... so many of my prayers of late have had that effect. but in that, i know that it's for the best and will eventuate to something better than i was prepared to settle for.
and i hate being so discrete in this sense, but it's for the best too.

but at least it's teaching me patience, obedience and slowly humility too.

today i realised two things (well i'm sure there were tons of other things too, but i can only think of two right now...):
1. people at my college are different from me. noone wants to jest or be silly. everyone wants to be mature and yeh. today i wanted to play, but noone would be my playmate...
2. i think i need glasses/specs. i'm going fuzzy-eyed way too often.

also, 3. north rocks is a long way away at 6am in the morning, and it's not possible to get back to oxford falls within 2 hrs in tuesday morning traffic...

ok it's been a long and cringeing day, so far-the-well and good night!

2005-02-22T21:53:00.000+11:00

it's interesting how people think they know you, and you think you know them, but then something happens and you got this surprise coz they haven't reacted the way you expect and you react different from what you know they'd expect...
or you just notice how much they've changed...
or you realise that they're just a hypocrite...

or maybe it's just that i've had an awfully long day and my view of the world has distorted due to extreme sleep-deprevation...

but at least on saturday i can get away from sydney again...

2005-02-14T23:10:00.000+11:00

ha! funny that i just read my comments on being a welcoming body of Christ (and felt very loved and quite popular due to the vast number of them) and found luke h encouraging someone to tell of their dreams and live them out...
and now i'm feeling rather silly and vulnerable. there's no way i'm telling any person of my dreams.
yet this does not mean i shalln't live them out, it just means i get to be more spy-ish, which can be more fun, dangerous and exciting.

also the fact that i'm a loner, i'd rather go this alone - just me and my Father...

but i do agree that the key to trust, respect and fellowship is vulnerability.

2005-02-14T23:03:00.000+11:00

Ok, I have less than 9 hours of availability left!
Thereafter I shall live a life of celibacy for the duration of this year…

(College officially starts at 8am tomorrow, at which I am not permitted to start any new romantic relationships during my first year until graduation at the end of the year.)
Quite depressing in a way, but maybe exciting in another sense, that I know all relationships must be platonic and thus hopefully uncomplicated.
But it’s funny that today happens to be valentine’s day, and so I do wonder if anyone from my college shall take this chance to hook up…?

Th’sarvo Bonnie (my best friend from primary school) came over for dinner. Was so good to hang out with her. And it was funny to hear her take on guys, marriage, kids, adulthood… She doesn’t ever really want to get married or have kids. I understand, having kids completely changes everything and turns your world upside-down, but there’s something special about being a mummy that one day I look forward to experiencing. Please don’t think I’m being clucky or desperate or anything like that. This is something for the far-off future. And I agree with Fiona King and Sally Irwin’s idea that God wouldn’t place a desire like that in someone’s heart without intending it to happen… He calls us to multiply, and it really only a very special calling that would prevent a woman from bearing children (think about Mother Teresa – if she had had a husband and children, there is no way that she could have been the blessing to all those other people that she was).

Why am I feeling so dam reluctant write about my humanly desires to some day be a mother?
In our society it’s such an unspoken thing – single girls who talk about having children are labelled as desperately seeking, boys with an open desire to one day have kids are labelled selfish pigs and hornbags… Yet we praise the woman with no agenda to have children and call her a career woman, which is a highly esteemed image of this world.
Why do we jump to conclusions and judge others about the desires and passions of our hearts, labelling and gossiping and ridiculing and reasoning with each other? I know I absolutely fear anyone learning my most deepest hopes for what I will do in my life. There’s not much chance that I would share it with anyone, especially not in the near future. It seems too big. People will roll their eyes and doubt I’ll ever make it…
And it saddens me that I feel the need for such a privacy screen over my heart. It grieves me that only Jesus and I will ever be able to really discuss this. And the worse thing is that I believe that other people are suffering in a similar way to that which I am.

Anyway, I’m so sceptical about CCC. Tomorrow shall again be quite interesting…

2005-02-10T00:22:00.000+11:00

Welcome…
‘Tis the issue of the moment…
Why do we, as Christians, fail so miserably at such a simple task as welcoming and accepting people into our church? We spend so much of our time, prayers, emotions and cares on preaching a few individuals in the hope that they’ll come to know Jesus as their Saviour, yet we fail to open up to people who are readily knocking on our doors… It angers me. I do it all the time. I see my friends do it. I went to CCC SCA orientation day today and it happened to me there a bit. I know that I’m quite an outgoing person and I usually make the initial efforts to integrate myself into a new crew of people, but I still felt slightly rejected. All the first year students (that’s me) were assigned a second or third year buddy. I got put with a lovely third year student called Emily. But even though we both made an effort, there was a feeling that I was just a burden and really she just wanted to catch up with her friends who she hadn’t seen in a few months but was stuck with her little buddy. But that’s ok, I released her from her burden as soon as I could.

But pondering afterwards, it so dawned on me that this is how people must feel going into new churches. They step out of there car with the resolution that this is gonna be cool and it’ll be fun to make friends. Then as they near the doors and hear the laughing and jesting, a thought enters their head that, "hey, I’m here by myself and I’m gonna have to put in some effort to enfold myself in a group". If this doesn’t make them reconsider their decision to try out this new church, the next image might. As they round the corner and enter through the half open doors, they look around and observe the ‘holy huddles’. At this, a dismal revelation conjures in their mind that they know no one and no one wants to know them coz everybody here already has enough friends and they’re all quite content. Embarrassed at their folly, the ‘newbie’ quickly finds the nearest seat (obviously up the back of the church) to hind in, and is left alone by all other church-goers who sit in their own little clicks. The service begins and no one notices the little newbie up the back hiding behind the pews. The worship-leaders worship, the preachers preach, the congregation congregates. Then the service ends and a fear of being spotted because of their lonerism grips the newbie, and they leave quickly without ever interacting. They don’t come back.
And we all know that that’s a seriously common story!
What’s wrong with us? Are we seriously that self-centred? Why?
It’s especially true in Sydney. Everyone seems so busy, too booked up for a chat. Someone asks us what we’re doing this week and if we’d like to hang out for a coffee and we automatically whip out our diaries and check our previous engagements, cringing slightly, then resolve for a small 1hr slot in a week-and-a-halves time away…
Maybe it’s a matter of genuine invitation – we need to feel like we’ve been allowed to interact with others, without feeling like we’re bothering or inconveniencing others.

But how did Jesus, the true perfect model, manage this? Surely He didn’t carry around a little pocket diary. He was always welcoming people into His presence. Actually, more than that, people were drawn to His presence, not because of superficial reasons like appearance (for which He would probably have been quite unattractive anyway – well, they didn’t have showers back then and was tramping around on dusty roads and deodorant didn’t exist back then…) or wealth (as He definitely wasn’t rich in material possessions). What was it that He contained that expressed an invitation that caused multitudes of people to throng around Him? What was it that allowed people to feel able to be vulnerable in front of Him?
Was not that same Spirit of love within Him the same Spirit that is supposedly within us? If so, what’s happened and where has it gone?

We spend so much time promoting ourselves, our youth group, our church, etc, but we never take the time to welcome people who come along. It’s just common knowledge now that, even though Hillsong have the largest number of people in their church, they also have the highest drop-out rate…

So I tried to justify it all by thinking that, the bigger the church, the more clicks and the easier to overlook newbies. But then I remembered a friend telling me how she’d visited a church service of about 12 other Christians, and not one said hello to her the whole time she was there.

So if it’s not the quantity that’s the issue, is it the quality???
It’s painful to agree isn’t it?
How could our church become so inwardly focused when we’re always preaching about the outward aspects of growth? We continue to fight the good fight, but maybe it’s not quite the right fight. Maybe the real battle is not going on outside the church walls, but within. Maybe there’s someone in the back row that has come to our church a few times and they’re just waiting for someone to genuinely welcome them. Maybe they’re not just in the back row. Maybe they’re the person I sit next to every week who I think feels included, but maybe they really are just craving for someone to re-connect with them.
I know I make the excuse that "I’m on worship tonight, so I’m exempt" or "I’ve been helping out with the youth, so this is my time with my friends and my God", but is that really being gracious?

I know that this post is probably not gonna be read by many, and probably not all the way through either, so really it’s just me expressing my frustration with my self-centred-ness and the blindness of some of my friends. Please don’t think I’m condemning anyone in particular. This is just something that’s been really close to my heart of late, and it keeps popping up in many of my conversations. Heck, our bible study at homegroup tonight focused on this sorta stuff!

Sorry if I've offended anyone.
You're all very much welcome to chat with me about it. Really really. Talk with me - I invite you. Just wait a second while I get my diary out though...

ok, sorry, that last little bit was a bit scum. but it's so true...

2005-02-08T11:15:00.000+11:00

ATTENTION DAVID!!!

i don't have david's email address or phone number, so blog is the only means of contacting him.
David, sorry, not coming to commy dinner tonight coz:
a) don't have transport (nic has the car)
b) don't have navigator (liz isn't gonna be home in time to come)
i now they'r crap excuses, but i'll make it up to you somehow...

2005-02-08T09:20:00.000+11:00

Sometimes dreams can clear things up a bit. The last coupla nights I’ve had some pretty random dreams that have help me sort out a few issues. it’s a bit annoying coz it’s meant that I’m not getting a deep sleep, but hey, it’s kinda cool at the same time.Also weird about it is that I don’t really know what things have been reality and what have been from dreamland. Oh well…

i'm currently downloading msn messenger beta (7.0). sounds fun. but now i have to get out of my blog account coz it's telling me to so that it can finish...

2005-02-07T23:53:00.000+11:00

Tonight after the soul meeting Tan and I had a good chat. Nowhere near long enough coz it got late, but good none the less. T’was enjoyable to finally catch up a bit, coz it’s been a while. And lots has changed and developed in our own lives, so it was exciting to hear where Tan’s at and what she’s up to now. I need more Tan times I think. I love my Tannie! She inspires me with her interesting ideas about our God, church, community, friends, etc. Always very encouraging and insightful are Tanya’s convos.
I’m so blessed to have a sister in Christ like Tannie. I need more close siblings in Christ to keep me accountable and focused on God.

Today I worked with a rather rude and obnoxious girl who kept swearing and whingeing, and I found myself wishing that everyone were Christian. And then it occurred to me that I should always be in that mindset, that I should always be craving for God’s kingdom to come on earth. It made me smile, thinking that I’m so wrapped in my own world and sometimes I need to be brought back to the reality of it all, being reminded of what’s on God’s heart.

Today was interesting. Not really that fun, but interesting none the less.

2005-02-07T11:09:00.000+11:00

like how can the addition of one instrument have such an effect on a piece of music. listening to damien rice, and as soon as the violin enters in the blowers daughter, something clicks and tears well up. so so beautiful....

2005-02-07T10:28:00.000+11:00

It’s bazaar how a song can have so much significance.
You’re in a particular mood and a song comes on and coincidentally the singer is experiencing exactly the same emotions you’re feeling. It’s amazing.
Or maybe they’re singing about something completely different, but somehow their words reflect something similar to what you’re going through.
And it’s also interesting how a song can completely change your mood.
And it’s strange how people (myself included) choose a particular cd to listen to depending on their mood. Eg. I’m listening to Garbage right now coz I’m a bit "grrrrr, screw this world…"
I tried listening to some Donovan Frankenrieter to lighten my grrrrrrrr-ness, but he just made me more grrrrr coz he’s to relaxed and I guess there’s some jealousy there coz I’m tense as.
But I’m still amused by how a song can change, establish and expose your emotional stability…

I really really really don’t wanna go to work today...

2005-02-06T23:05:00.000+11:00

Something extremely amusing that I’ve discovered recently is happy tree friends. Good laugh I say…
In other news, why do I feel so out of place right at the moment? Where do I belong? I don’t know why I feel like this. Well I can think of a few dozen things that make my everyday world seem unpleasant and uncomfortable and lacking, but I don’t think I should delve into them in such a public way.
Talking about public, tonight after church we all went back to a lovely young family’s house for our "first Sunday" gathering, where I discovered that many new faces had popped up at church tonight. I’m so impressed that there were like 5 or so people who came to church by themselves not knowing anyone at all. It’s good to know that God’s still in action even when I’m heaps lazy, stubborn and proud.
It’s so difficult to make conversation with new people when you’re in your group of friends in a place I know. I’m so over clicks! But it makes me appreciate other people who do that for me so much though. Like it was so cool to hang out with the Wollongong crew – they were so loving, welcoming and accepting.
I don’t know what’s going on in my head today. I’m tired, confused and clumsy. I even forgot to plug in my guitar tonight and didn’t notice til 2 songs into worship… Big learning experience night for Lauren.
I’ve been a grump today. And I have no reason or excuse at all…
Tomorrow night is a Soul Survivor meeting at my place, and I’ve got so much that I need to do in prep so that I at least won’t appear lazy.
And I’m working at Michel’s at 12pm with my pregnant boss tomorrow. She’s due in less than 2 weeks! How absolutely ridiculous is it that she’s working?!

2005-02-06T01:04:00.000+11:00

something bout being back in sydney, i dunno, changes your mood...
i don't like syders sometimes.
there's nothing really exciting to do, but i'm always busy and my head is always ticking over. i've got a headache and my head's reeling.
why is that? what is it about being back home that adds a degree of stress and urgency to everything? why does everything need to hurry and hassle?
i don't like living in a city sometimes...

i think it's time for some sleep. oh no, will it fit in with tomorrow's schedule?! well, i'll have to set my alarm... (note the sarcasm)

2005-02-05T23:56:00.000+11:00

I had the coolest time in the Gong yesterday and today. It’s a bit depressing to think that ‘hey, I’m back in the reality of Syders now, and will be for a long time coz I got no time off for a long long while’…
The gong is full of such fantastic people. Heaps easy-going. Very much the random question ‘hey, wachyoos doin today? Let’s do suchandsuch…’ kinda laid-back place.
I’d love to live there.
But then-again, maybe it’s the company…
T’was so cool to hang out with people who have the same weird streak in ‘em.
Some, like Sarah (Perky) and Rochelle, where heaps funny, a bit crazy at times and even had the same sad humour as me. Not too often do I come across such gorgeous silly-billies…
And then there’s people like Luke who you can’t quite figure out, but there’s something bout them that once you get to know a bit, you don’t wanna have to depart. I wish I had a bro in Sydney like Luke. Way too funny, random, playful…
And man, Figtree Church is massive. No one warned me! Walked in to the old entrance where there’s the original normal-sized service room and was thinking, wow, this is nice/comfortable/funky (with it’s purple pews). But then the new section loomed up, which I had no idea about, and was just in awe of how massive it was. Had this entrance foyer the size of St Stephens, a welcome lounge thingy and then this humungous service room about the size of CCC Oxford Falls. It even had its own cyclorama! T’was impressed.

Sorry, I have to stop there for a sec. Nic just walked into my room, farted and walked back out. I’m dying…

Ok, smell has faded a bit. Shall keep going… Where was I?
Yeh, anyway, Figtree was a huge church and I was a little overwhelmed and intimidated.
The CD recording thing last night was cool too. Very much what I would expect at a CCC cd recording. Four or five vocalists, bass, 2 elec guitars, 1 acoustic, full drum kit, 2 keyboardists, choir, choir conductor, music director, lots of lighting, sound technicians, photographers, camera men, etc. plus a large audience (which they all thought was quite pathetically small)…
Did I mention the sound boards? They had about five, which were about twice the size of the one at St Stephens. Wow – tech it up!

In a way I’m glad to be home, but then again, why did I have to come back to reality? And when will I be able to see my Wollongong friends again?

I had so much fun today at the beach (each of the 3 times we went) with Sarah, Luke, Sarah Deane, Adam and Rochelle. T’was great to be silly and immature and all those wonderful things that only happen so often in Sydney coz everyone’s busy and don’t wanna come out to play (me included).
T’was a trip packed full of shenanigans and good laughs and randomness…

But I tell you what, my heart sank coming back to Sydney (still a fair way off) when I saw 3 signs all pointing different directions saying “Sydney city”… So I chose the one that also had an airport arrow on it (I figured that I should do my trip down in reverse to get back home – just tellin you now, bad move). Of course I ended up in some random back streets and then eventually in the “Sydney airport domestic terminal”. After contemplating the thought of jumping on a plane and going back to the Gong or some other great Aussie destination, I proceeded to redirect my way through to botany and then back through the city. And now I’m home – yay! I made it! My first drive through the city, my first longish drive anywhere, and all alone too… Only stuffed up twice, which concluded to be alright (but a bit slower) in the end…

Still feel a bit bad for dogging youth leading last night though.

But all in all, definitely well worth it!

PS. I have plenty more I was thinking of writing, but I’m buggered and I probably wont ever get round to it now, so my apologies…

2005-02-02T11:37:00.000+11:00

I have found that there are many situations where I act like I know lots about something I have either a vague idea or no idea at all about, but then there are other times that I pretend I’m completely clueless about things when I know exactly what’s going on.
Why do I do that?
I know that maybe one reason could be because I'm a chick and I'm sick of stereotypes about how girls can't do this and that, or they're really good at this and that, and I kinda wanna obliterate those stereotypes, so I pretend I'm different to those stereotypes.
hmmm...
It's mostly about things I'm supposed to be good at, like music. really truly i'm quite clueless...

2005-02-02T11:11:00.000+11:00

Devastating moment:
Noticed some insects on a window sill and felt compassion for them. So I grabbed the little baby cicada by its wings and threw it out the window, watching it fly away happily. Then with some difficulty, scooped up the beautiful green grasshopper in a cup and flinged it out the window too. As a watched in content at my act of kindness towards these creatures a nasty grey bird swooped straight through my front garden and intercepted the flying grasshopper in one swift movement! then proceeded to feed this beautiful green grasshopper to its little baby birdy in a nearby tree…
Heartbroken!

2005-02-01T12:07:00.000+11:00

maps are fun i think
i think i'm rather sensitive about the chauvenistic view that women can't read maps. i love reading maps. i think many girls are actually better than males at directing from maps. of course there are many girls who are hopeless at navigating their way along a chart, but there are plenty of guys just as pathetic as that.
i'm currently working out my trip to wollongong and trying to decipher exactly where figtree church would be. they tell me it's in wollongong and that's all, but i have discovered that it's actually in a suburb called figtree. this does not help.
but anyway, i've found it.
now i just have to figure out which way i should go - the traditional way through sydney city or the more scenic (less hectic) way through ryde... i'v never actually driven through the city (in the driver's seat), but i know it well. i don't know the ryde way well. thus can you see my dilemma (which isn't really a dilemma, but still a debate)...
anyway, that's what's processing th'smorning

also churning over stuff from last night's soul survivor meeting, which was very productive, but very tiring (poor pete who had no idea what was going on).
and it was highlighted how much i use brackets, which i'd never noticed before, but i guess i do. brackets are good, coz they allow for background info which helps later on when you can't remember what that point was. eg. the 3phase distribution box comes in an orange box, thus i would write "(orange box)" because otherwise i aint gonna know where the heck it is and i'll stress out on the day coz i wont be able to find it coz i wouldn't remember what the heck it looks like.
anyway, my point is, brackets are helpful.

it turns out that the vanity tradesman just arrived at my doorstep. i'm glad nic's home, coz i can't be bothered to deal with any tradesmen today.

i had a fun weekend sharing this year's vision for ernie with other youth leaders. tom and helen are truly funny people. highlights included tom's dramatic reading of an old book we found at Helen's grandparents' place (with character voices, accents and sound-effects included), get-to-know-you games of things that we've done through the week that noone else knows about, owning up to untrue secrets, cafe-ing, Soul Survivor-ing, converting eachother to Christianity (proud to say that i wasn't converted...) and a ton of other fabulous things as well...
t'was fun!

i'm excited bout going down to wollongong this friday and saturday. should be interesting. i love my gong friends who i met down in soul melbourne. it'll be fun to see what they get up to. chuffed that sarah said i could stay over at her place. i like hanging out with new people in new places.
hanging out with new people in old places that i'm used to isn't as fun i don't think.
maybe i like new places

well that's enough for the mo coz i gotta get on with things coz i gotta be at work by 2pm...
cheerio!

2005-01-28T16:33:00.000+11:00

i'm not sure if i enjoy blogging that much anymore. t'was the biggest novelty for a while there hey. maybe it's that we just get all blogged-out...
or bogged-down in our own busy-ness...
we're just blogged-down...

anyway, i now have a sure direction of what this year shall involve. this morning i got into Christian City Church School of Creative Arts (the vocals and worship leading course), so that's great.
and now i can work out how to best use the rest of my time. and i dont have to worry about the fact that i didn't change my uni preferences to apply for suitable courses (coz i was too lazy to get my act together), which is fantastic coz i didn't really want to go to uni anyway.
i like being extremely busy, coz you get to enjoy those days of doing nothing at home so much more. and it's almost a relief when people bail on you, coz you get to catch up on sleep, emails, reading, guitaring, writing, phoning people, organising more outtings...
i went and bought myself another diary the other day. it's much better, even though there isn't much space to write. and th'smorning i spent time filling it in and i'm feeling quite organised in that area at the moment.
organised is exciting when you know that there could be a massive mess everywhere, but then you've kinda kept a bit on top of it and you get this satisfied feeling. it's good

this weekend is an ernie leader's retreat. it's amusing using the word retreat, coz it makes it sound like we're verging on the edge of defeat and must run away to save ourselves. but maybe it also has that noble impliance that we've been on the forefront of battle, fighting against attacks from satan to protect and nurture the youth. anyway, it should be fun. it feels a bit randomly spontanious, but that's ok.
i'm intrigued to see where God is leading the young people in our church, and i'm excited to be part of that - encouraging, supporting and spirring 'em on.

you know what, it really doesn't feel like 4:30pm. i think i better go get ready sometime soon. i got a ton to do before i go away...

2005-01-21T19:26:00.000+11:00

i'm chuffed
spent the day with one of the girls i led last year and had a ball playing soccer, eating icecream and chatting about tons of stuff. i like days like this.
and afterward, i went through some triple g stuff and ernie stuff and music stuff and a few other oddities at church, which has been fantastic to get done.
yet i think it's a little funny how, after a humid day of playing outside, you sit down for a while afterwards to take it easy and begin to sense the beautiful (cough) aromas arising from your body. i think maybe a shower is in order...
and food...

2005-01-10T15:55:00.000+11:00

i'm so excited bout going to soul survivor melbourne! it's just come up so quickly and suddenly i realise that it's tomorrow. had to do a quick checking of emails and now a quick blog to say farewell.
i like the library. i like the sound of little kids unsuccessfully trying to be quiet as their mothers read them dramatically simple stories about rabbits and shaggy dogs and far-away places. kids are great. this little dude came up to the counter at work today and it was so cute, he had no idea what to say and just stood there. gorgeous.
talking about kids - CONGRATULATIONS GELDO! Joel Matthew Gelding was born yesterday morning. fantastic i say!
anyhew, i'm going home to pack now. cheerio

2005-01-05T10:04:00.000+11:00

why hello there...
and happy new year - i know i know, a bit late...
anyhew, i actually dont know why i have found myself here once again. i have no desire to blog right now. the blogging world has departed. literally. all the hornsbyites and a few belrosians have all embarked on this road trip, and i'm left here all alone.
i'm just kiddin. i'm thinking that the road trippers will become lonely without their precious blogs, so we'll prolly hear from them soon, if we haven't already...
in other news, we have a full house at home once again. finally. it's strange to think that maybe i do have siblings...
oh, and i really did stuff my puter this time. it wont even turn on.
but enough of my downism-ness, i'm off to work...

2004-12-22T15:53:00.000+11:00

Hey peoples! i haven't quite left the blogging world - there's still some strands of thread holding me here for some reason. i'm just unable to write much just now...

but a quick update:

Well God is working in my life and i'm excited completely!
I don't know what He's got planned, but it's great to see that He does want us to be ever-changing and growing and seeking.
Praise the Lord!

i'm sorry that i'm not expanding on that just at the moment, but i'm sitting in mony library and i got lots to do th'sarvo, so i'm gonna push on...

ps. i don't know how to say this good, so i'll just say it and if anyone wants to know details and reasons or any of that, you're very free to ask me in person - Chris and i aren't "going out" as such anymore.

2004-12-04T17:04:00.000+11:00

howdy heidy hidey ho!
today we're preparing for EBN tonight. the church is looking quite decorated. i'm liking. oh and Pete Hayes has bright blue hair. tee hee.
And today i've also been preparing to go to Forster tomorrow. i'm so excited about finally getting away from sydney. better than that, i'm getting away from my renovations. better than that, i'm hanging with friends in a house near the beach for a whole week. very pleasing.
yet i have some concerns and questions: how much of my wardrobe should i take, and will it fit in my bag? whilst away, should i wash these clothes? will i sleep (i haven't been able to sleep very well for the last coupla weeks)? what will i forget? are we there yet? will matt get us lost? will his car blow up?

i've been eating a limited amount of chocky for the last coupla weeks just so i can indulge whilst up there. yet i decided that i wanted a chocolate blog (rather than a chocky block), so my colours have changed.

well yeh, i really do have a lot to write, but no time to write it. "time? who has time? but then, if we never take time, how can we ever have time?"

well have a great week my lovely blogging friends. shall write bout it when i get back. love you'sall!!!

2004-11-17T17:01:00.000+11:00

There’s days that you have a million people to call for various reasons, but you have no time to call them.
Then there’s other days that you’ve got noone to call coz there’s no reason to, and that’s all fine.
But then there are these days that you got a million people you wanna call, but it doesn’t seem appropriate or you know that they’re busy, and so you don’t wanna disturb them...

Anyhew, i found this great cd of this dude who works with Jack Johnson. His name's Donavon Frankenreiter. Exactly what i wanted to listen to - very cruisy.

i heard this great quote from a guy called DylanBrown, who was involved with the making of Finding Nemo - "it takes a tremendous amount of effort to create something that looks effortless." well i thought it was encouraging/discouraging, depending on your circumstance.

Yesterday my car broke down. And you know what - i panicked. Thankfully i was at home, so i could refill the oil and all that, but still it refused to work. i ended up getting so frustratedi pretty much flooded the motor completely. i completely missed my meeting with tom, but then the most stupid thing was that by the time my dad got home, my car had calmed down enough to start on the second go, much to my embarrassment and frustration...

I think quite a few people are upset and disappointed with me at the moment. I have been accused of a number of things recently, and it hasn't been my intention to come across the way i must have to some people. Maybe i've been too over-protective or under-protective, depending on the situation.

Really truly i wish i could just say what's on my mind...

2004-11-11T13:25:00.000+11:00

well yeh, i'm feelin better and it's not quite as sucky anymore.
i have found purpose.
i have found a job.
i have found reasons.
i have found a more comfortable zone.

i shall survive.

2004-11-09T12:45:00.000+11:00

last night liz said smething profound:
no one prepares you for the after-HSC blues...

2004-11-05T17:10:00.000+11:00

there is something seriously wrong with me. i shouldn't feel like this. another day of yuck - that's 2 in a row. i'm not saying that my day has been yuck. no, i've had lots of fun being free (yet still constricted to schedules) and hanging out with fun people. it's just that i feel like yuck and i have doubts and things don't seem to flow that way i'd like.
it's strange to have this freedom, yet still be bound by time-frames and limitations. everything seems to revolve around other people's stuff and i guess i'm a bit out of practise.

so hsc is over! but i feel so guilty for not spending my time 'studying' or whatever. there's this empty feeling that now i have no routine and no expectations of myself to fulfill.

tom's hair's growing back. it looks good.
benny c has a bleached mohawk. it's funny. it's also highly embarrassing. especially the fact that he's going to the formal like that. but that's ok - each to their own.

i have decided that i really like the aroma that perfume gives off after a day of wearing. i don't know why i put some on today, but i just did and it's been nice. it makes me feel seemingly special even though i don't actually feel very special... i was about to get rather deep just now, so i'll stop and become nicely surfaced again.

the sun is nice in the afternoon after a morning of rain. i like the way the water makes the road shine like silver. i like the way the droplets on the leaves glisten and sparkle. i like the smell. i like the way the tires can't grip and you skid around the corners - it's good fun...

so far my 'no-oil' diet has been quite unused as today i have successfully devoured a piece of mud chocolate cake, a chocolate bar, some cold chips (they had a one stage been hot), lollies, and 2 twisties (because i craved and caved). yet in a way, this diet has been successful in the fact that i haven't eaten the chocolate donut in my fridge yet and there was a definite option of having another piece of mud chocolate cake but i abstained. yet i fear that i will still have extremely unclear skin for my formal. i'll be like tom's description "I have too many pimples. I am now classified as a pink [wo]man". oh poo...

i'm tired. that's it, i'm just so dam tired.

tom's little drama group are in the church now. they're noisy. i find it funny when kids scream "shut up" - i just love the irony. i think i'll go. goodbye.

2004-10-27T16:51:00.000+10:00

Just to clear something up because maybe I was wrong in saying it. Beck has not left our bible study group. I’m rather confused, but there you have it. I’m sorry for any trouble I may have caused.
Goodo…

Also apologies for the porn site advert in my comments. Haloscan has truly gone to the dogs (that one’s for you Howie).
Chatting to my funny computer illiterate builder today about how depressingly accessible porn is on the internet, and I think I may have unintentionally stirred an interest within him to spread his wings and discover the wide web world. I hope this is not the case.

Anyhew,
I have 5 days left till I’m free from guilt. Yet it’s also 5 days till I’m free from excuses. I like having excuses sometimes. Like I can’t clean my room coz I’m studying… I’m to busy studying to be healthy and stop eating chocolate… I’m too busy with study to go get a hair cut or re-dye my hair… I can’t make dinner coz I’m studying...
Not that I ever make dinner anyway. In 5 days I’ll have to learn how to cook. I’ll have to start cleaning. My fish will like that – it’s been quite a few months since his tank’s been cleaned. I won’t have the excuse to leave my room in a state. I like just throwing my stuff in a pile thinking ‘I’ll do it later’. But there’ll be no more of that in 5 days.
This concept amuses me greatly coz for the last few months I’ve been saying ‘I can’t wait to be able to do this that, and the other and now I’m saying I’m gonna miss this that and the other.
But every silver lining has a cloud…

2004-10-26T15:05:00.000+10:00

well good on chris i say!
i realise that he may have done this a long while ago, but i have my excuses...
but hey, maybe we'll see him again in 'the real world'. that would be nice.

2004-10-26T12:21:00.000+10:00

what is the world coming to? that seems a silly question though, coz we all know the answer and so it's a stupid question...
but seemingly there are many a thing that aint working quite right in both the blogging/web world and the real world. like i can't read any comments whatsoever - not on my blog or anyone else's. and my hotmail account does not particularly like me right at the mo (although i do enjoy having extra storage room - thankyou hotmail!). my dad's car broke down. the electricians are currently destroying my bedroom. sat in a queue (that doesn't look like the right spelling sorry) of cars waiting for 10minutes th'smorn while road workers stood around leaning on shovels and holding lollypop signs. and i've already eaten 2 chocolate bars already.
i also find it quite strange that a servo in north narrabeen was selling unleaded for 114.9c/L, while the caltex in belrose was selling at 102.9c/L AND i got a 4cent discount... so neeerrrrr to pittwater petrol stations!

i'm so dissappointed that i missed viggo mortensen's birthday last thursday - 'twas the day after courty's, so happy birthday Courty and Viggo!

man i had so much fun with courty yesterday. got to her place at 8:45am to pray for the maths exam, then drove us to the exam. after a lovely 3hr blank-minded caffufle of attempting to remember formulae and how to use them, courty and i shjoomed back to courty's where we sat infront of her tv for 6hrs watching courty's junior ballet concert and old seachange episodes, whilst stuffing ourselves with chocolate, pizza and whatever else we could manage to devour. 'twas good. and the best part is that i don't feel guilty coz i reckon we deserved a vege and chill out session.

i just got a msg from sally irwin saying that bible study would not be on tonight - bugger coz i really like bible study. maybe i'll go to another group's tonight then. hmmm i think i shall. maybe i shalln't though as i would not like to encroach on the community of another group. like if someone not from yr 12 came to our group, it could possibly be quite awkward since there are so many bonds and understandings within our group and we're all going through the hsc together and i dunno. but i like new people, and i love how chez is now gracing us with her presence. shame that leech, scott, ben and kirsty hardly ever come and beck's now decided she doesn't want to come along any more. but i love our group and i love seeing how Jesus has touched each person's lives and how He continues to bless them and work in them. and i love how sally and gavin and james and jess have completely opened their house, time and prayers up for us. it excites me to see a whole family going for God. Like the ives, bannings, freemans and buckleys - i think it's phenominal! it gives me tingles.
to think that a family can give such love, support and encouragement to eachother. i think i'm so blessed that my parents did sent me along to sunday school and that when i was little, and they still support me now even though they don't understand why i get involved in the things i do. even if they do it to keep me out of mischief, i'm still so absolutely thankful that they don't discourage me.
i guess i've always had the attitude that i'm so unfortuned to not have christian parents and i guess a bit envious that i could see so many friends of mine being upheld by their christian parents' prayers and biblical knowledge/encouragement. but hey, i'm alright and i'm surviving in my christian walk, and in a way maybe not having that support has made me stronger. i'm constantly stumbling and my self-control is appauling, but i'm getting there. and maybe the challenge that this has been is actually God's way of preparing me for other things. no actually i'm sure of it.
and it's encouraging that i really do have a family of bros and sis's in Christ that do love me and are praying for me constantly. i'm so astounded by how much st steves has pulled together and blessed the yr12s and others doing hsc this year incredibly. so many people have been sending us messages, cards, emails and whatnot encouraging us and telling that they're praying for us. I just found some messages in my inbox from steve stanis, in which after some funny (or not so funny depending) jokes, contained the encouraging bible verses from:
"The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." (Isaiah 58:11)
"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." (2 Tim. 4:7)

in other news, i think that maybe perhaps i've been chucking a rachel (showing coin slot) for a good hour whilst sitting at this computer in my school library. oops.

i have plenty more to write, but suddenly i've forgotten. maybe later.

2004-10-21T12:53:00.000+10:00

i just recieved a forward (and dont we all just love forwards?!) that actually struck a nail. it put forth an idea for how we could reduce the price of petrol once again.because mobil and BP are currently the largest petrol companies in Aust, if noone buys fuel from them, their prices would have to drop, causing the whole market to drop as a result.just a thought...
but enough economic and politic talk for today.

2004-10-21T12:35:00.000+10:00

i have so much stuff to say, but it's so hard not to complain!
and that in itself could be classed as a complaint...
i guess i'm just looking for sympathy.
therefore i shall stop before i say anything more.

oh, but yeh, don't get me wrong - i'm fine and God's been doing heaps and it's been amazing so see how much He really does want to bless us.

2004-10-16T17:45:00.000+10:00

just caught up on losts of blogs and wow do i feel better for it. much more productive than study. thanx guys
i wish i was in a nothing-to-lose phase like tanya. but no, i seem to have alot of important things that supposedly 'matter' going on...
the funny thing (that's not actually funny at all) is that i don't feel like monday could possibly be that day that i've been dreading for so long. that's less than 2 days away. i am definitely nowhere near ready. i am definitely nowhere near going to get good marks. someone shoot me.
i hate that people have made this out to be some hugely huge thing that determines your whole future. well poo to that i say! i refuse for it to make a difference in my life. that's why i'm going to go to a lovely Christian college like CCC SCA where i don't think i need a very high HSC mark - yay! coz i'm not gonna get a good mark.
and you know what, somehow i don't actually care. i feel really bad though coz i know that heaps of people are expecting these spectacular marks from me, but screw it i say! sorry to my parents and my teachers and my friends out there who've been supporting me all this time and encouraging me to do my absolute best, but i can't and i won't. and i know that. so i want you all to know it too. like yes, sure i'm gonna try heaps hard, but i'm just over it!

i think it's a shame that everyone puts so much pressure on yr 12's doing HSC.
in a way i want to fail just to prove - well... i don't know what to prove actually... maybe to prove that i'm not going to succumb to the authorities and the 'traditional' ways of getting 'ahead in life'. maybe i want to rub it in my parents' faces and put the blame on them for destroying my house while i'm attempting to study... maybe i want to shock people with my dodgey mark just to see their faces. at least if i'm going to disappoint, i may as well disappoint wholeheartedly and laugh about it right? hmmm...

in less HSC-type news, i love the parrot that has suddenly become a member of our family (NOT!). i've called it Norbert, but i should change it to 5:30amSquwarker!!! seriously, this bird has no concept of decency. it just doesn't shut up!
also going fabulously is the renovations. friday morning mum dashes into my room and says "Lauren, quick, i need a hand clearing the bathroom!" to which we rapidly removed all accessories from the bathroom whilst being watched by a builder with a sledgehammer in hand. And i had been going so well with doing past exam papers tha morning, but then after that interruption and when the jackhammering commenced, studying whilst being shaken isn't a very effective combination. oh, and i enjoyed my shower last night in a half demolished bathroom (the only thing left standing was the shower and dripping pipes). i even received 2 cuts on my feet from broken tiles - SCORE! so looking forward to tonight's bathroom adventure.

but Beck and i still ran our small group social yesterday, which consisted of chalk, dress-ups, silly songs and nutella - muchly goodness! i like being crazy with fun kids. oh and i like seeing them attempt to feed eachother with nutella whilst blindfolded - i like messy games.
after cleaning ourselves up and seeing the girls off, beck and i hung out with matt and chris in the cold for a bit until matt and beck left, and then chris left too. but i stayed at church and reconnected with the piano... yes good old piano and i drifted for a while there - not purposely - i just didn't tell piano that i couldn't come over anymore... but now the bond is restored and piano understands that i possibly wont be able to come see him for a few weeks, but that i'd visit soon and we'd make sweet passionate music once more.
not that i'm any good... i just like to dabble.

but i'm thinking it's taken me a good 40 minutes to write this post and i should really get back to the job at hand - i'm hungry and the kettle beckons...
ciao ciao

2004-10-16T15:47:00.000+10:00

well during my intensive studying (NOT!), i came across an old post that i'd written in my diary during the trial exams. i thought it was quite amusing.

I like being neat. Messy is yuck. I especially like tidying things when I know I should be studying… Ha! I find that humorous. I like watching the things I do in different emotional situations.
In the early stages of stress, there seems to be this extraordinarily messy phase.
Then as tension rises and anxiety heightens, the work space miraculously becomes tremendously tidy… and work cannot commence if there is an ounce of mess…
Then there will be the aftermath, where exams/stress is caput and so is the any form of housework.
Piles of paper and muck begins to build up for a week until Lauren finally decides she can’t live with the evidence to remind her of the exams, so she gets off her lazy butt and has a pack-up and sort-through…
At this point in time, the intensity of sound emitted from Lauren’s room increases dramatically and much karaoke-style singing can be heard by neighbours…
Also, dress code of the weeks just after the anxiety attack consists of pyjamas and unbrushed hair…
On the realisation that another assessment is soon to be due, Lauren has a sudden freak out and re-group. Room becomes messy and disoriented and the process starts over again.
During the times of stress, Lauren’s appetite and metabolism increases and healthy eating habits become scarce. Chocolate and anything sugary becomes the major food group consumed. Headaches and forgetfulness also kicks in.
During these times, many other exciting events also seem to occur, where Lauren has to decide whether to be a good little nerd or a naughty little rebel. She usually chooses the latter, as she almost convinces/promises herself that she will work hard the next day to make up for the loss of study time.
This promise is generally never kept…

well i'm impressed at how funny i am (well... i was). i'd forgotten how to amuse myself...
and yeh, i guess i should go back to that horrible world of study... ciao ciao

2004-10-11T14:43:00.000+10:00

i miss blogging.
the day that i get to blog again shall be a happy day.
there are so many things i've sacrificed for hsc - 1st it was blogging, then social life, keyboard, guitar, sleep, friends...
one day... yes, one day... not too long...

2004-09-25T13:04:00.000+10:00

you know when you finally have a second to yourself where you get to think about all the things that have happened over the last few days and you realise that you had been the biggest loser??? looking back at the past 40 hrs and there are some incredibly random, stupid things i've done and said. and it's only now after a few decent hrs of sleep that i've come back to reality and realised that i'm an idiot!
like the stupid things that i bring up in conversations with people i'm trying to gain some respect from... and the irresponsible things i've supported... and the lack of responsibility i've shown full-stop.
'operation miriam' on thursday was brill - half the yr 12s swapped skirts/pants, and because we were all still in 'full school uniform', uniform infrigements were pointless. thursday was great coz we pretty much either wagged class or had class parties (depending on which teachers we had). for my almost perfect record of never wagging a class in my whole life, i made up for it on thursday quite nicely. the most satisfying class was definitely english though. yay! and what made it even better was the fact that we just played handball - a game of no point, just hit the ball and move up/down concrete squares. and that in itself was perfect, coz man did it bring back the stupid childhood memories of yesteryear. yay for the terrey hills crew being the best by far - none of these belrosian pansies could ever compare...
on thursday arvo courty, sally, beck and i trecked to the mall to get our outfits for slaveday. beck, sal and courty had signatures and messages all over their school shirts and i was still wearing the guys uniform, so that made it quite amusing. some random drew a not-so-amusing picture on beck's shirt though. but we bumped into some guys from our school who were looking for their costumes too, so we gave them a hand in buying ladies' underwear (don't ask)...
thursday night went to a bar in the city with chris and his folks to see a family friend play. his band was pretty cool and i had fun. but man, there was this shocking barry white kinda music going on while bands weren't playing. how can people buy those kinda cd's, let alone listen to 'em? appalling... but hey, it was still a fabulous night out i must say.
to courty's i went in the morning, the morning, the morning. to courty's i went in the morning, and oh what fun we did have. getting dressed up like little bees was great fun. we (beck, courty, sally and i) looked fantastic i must say. i was very impressed by our efforts. and we sold for the most out of all the yr 12s and there were only 4 of us! praise the Lord! and we didn't have to show flesh like everyone else - there were a ton of tiny skirts, tiny tops, high-heels, g-strings and cross-dressing prostitutes - quite indecent i must say... but the kids that bought us were tops! i had fun, even though they didn't really get me to do anything for them.
then back to courty's to get ready for the luncheon, which was so bizaar - while all the other girls bawled and wailed, i sat there with dry eyes - it definitely hasn't sunk in that it's all over, that these 13 yrs of schooling have finally ended, that we'll all split up and go our separate ways, that it's all just memories and photos and there's nothing more to come from here. sure there's the formal and exams and random social events, but they're all too random - all routine is shot. i didn't even savour my last signing in moment coz it didn't occur to me at the time that i'd never have to sign in for a 7:30am class ever again...
after luncheon, back to courty's again and then to church and delivering letters and EBN flyers to triple G kids and then to church again. then to the shops and back to courty's, where we watched "something's gotta give" and ate a whole pack of chips each and then this fantastic dinner that mr mccloud made. a group of school friends came over and joined courty and i, and so we looked at photos and played "nightmare" (eek!). then home i went to find that nic had moved out and there was a que for the bathroom so i grabbed my toothbrush and went to bed smelly...
oh man yesterday was hectic, and now i've finished school forever! never again shall i bludge through a biology class, laugh through a pd class, joke through a chemistry lesson, escape from a music 1 class to join the music 2's in another room, argue through a english classor sing/giggle/chatter through a maths lesson... it's all done, caput, finito!

2004-09-22T18:50:00.000+10:00

A few weeks ago (or was it months – I got no idea of timeframes any more) I said something about me never really being exposed to porn sites and that kind of propaganda. Well now I have. And I think I could cry. I hate pop-ups! I hate them I hate them I hate them!!!!!! I tried to comment of James’ blog, but was suddenly ambushed and invaded by a ton of disturbing pop-ups, and as I frantically tried to close each of them, more kept coming. Eeeekkkk!!!!

I’m so hopelessly disturbed and disgusted… Why would people watch this stuff? Why would people film this stuff? Why would people publish this stuff on their website?

?!?!?!?!WHY?!?!?!?!?!

2004-09-13T15:01:00.000+10:00

There are so many things that I could complain about. But then someone mentioned last night in Ernie that complaining is a sin. This is a very very very challenging concept.
Our society not only accepts, but desires and encourages people to complain and criticize everything. We indulge in the misfortunes of others and the lusts, desires and greed of our selfish ambitions.
But where’s the beauty in that? It may seem satisfying at the time, but how can that be a lasting, wholesome, fulfilling feeling? How could negative thinking entice positive feelings? How could dwelling in evil bring abounding good?
I don’t want to complain anymore.
But there’s so much crap in my life, in the way I think, in the things I say, in the people I talk to, in the places I spend so much of my time… It’s so hard!

But last night’s “AIMEE” production was fantastic. And I thought Matt’s talk afterwards was super. I wish my parents could have heard that message. But it wasn’t to be. Their time is gonna come though. Although I did give up all hope last night, it’s back again today. It’s funny how I’ve heard exactly what I needed to know recently to keep me upheld, alright and persistently hopeful. God is so good like that. Even though things get poopy and all your hopes and prayers seem wasted in the moment that it takes to read the fateful words of one single sms, God still loves us, holds us and teaches us exactly what we need to hear to make things alright.

Trust and faith is the hardest things sometimes, but it’s absolutely completely wonderfully amazing to see the outcomes of that hardship. I look forward to the fruits of my prayers. Actually that’s an understatement. That day will be “the bomb” – party!!!

Anyway, the bell’s about to go, but I promise that next blog I’m gonna write about the astounding answered prayers and healing that’s been going on lately.

2004-09-08T11:17:00.000+10:00

wow just got an english assignment back that i'd done 2 weeks ago and i got 19/20 and that's amazing coz it's the first time i've passed an english assessment in months...
in other news, i think it's quite amusing that next week for bible study we're discussing 'dating', and sally and gavin (irwin) want us to bring our partners... i have a feeling it's going to to be rather embarrassing and lip-biting... but it's gonna be funny and i'm looking forward to it.
actually, i'm looking forward to anything that comes after friday morning (my music performance exam!!!), coz supposedly there's still life after that fateful 20minutes of stress and nerves...
and there's oaktree at night, which i just found out that lots of people are coming that i'd probably be embarrassed to see there... oh poo. i don't wanna play in stage band anymore. and i don't wanna sing. and i don't wanna be responsible for stuff.
oh buggery!!!!! why can't i just fall asleep for 3 or 4 days and wake up and it'd all be over and i wouldn't have had to go through it???

pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy, pure joy........

pure joy.....

2004-09-08T11:06:00.000+10:00

oh poo head bottom ness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
blogger just deleted the nice long post i just wrote, and now the bell's gone............

2004-09-06T03:49:00.000+10:00

Well it’s done! The last assignment of my high school career...
well actually it's not really completely done coz my stupid printer decided that today would be the day that it would die (well yeh i mean yesterday)... so after about an hour of trying to save it all to disk and it being too bigger file and hotmail not even letting me attach it to an email to send to myself. And then finally getting so fed up, i attempted to work out how to burn documents on to cd - i do not find it an appropriate time to discover new things... but i wish i had burnt this dam assignment onto cd in the first place... well now i know what to do. burn baby burn...
so being the paranoid person that i am, i have successfully tested this d: file three times. i'm glad i did coz first-off i tested it and all the pictures came up with that big nasty evil "X". so yeh, it was about that time when the aggression kicked in and my already-seizuring mouse got a good little smacking (in other words, lauren was not a happy chappy)... but i finally was able to uncorrupt a file that had everything on it and so it's all on cd now and i think i can breathe easier. i just hope it all works when i get to school.
and just when i thought healing was on it's way... the tears are so far gone now. my eyes feel like someone's grabbed a chunk of sawdust and blown it in my face and then rubbed it all in...
one day... one day... hopefully soon...
good night my sleeping friends. i wonder how long it will take me to join you all in the land of slumber? i wont be there for long anyway, so what does it matter anyhew? don't you just love 7:30am classes?...

2004-09-02T14:08:00.000+10:00

ok so if this post works, then whatever is trying to stop me from blogging is defeated!

it's so amazing the physical and spiritual healing that's been going on in the last few days! there's no better way to describe it than saying that God is truly awesome.

ok dam the bell has gone now, but i have so much exciting stuff to say... to go or not to go? oh the debate of whether to go to class or blog... well i'm sure you guys will forgive me.

2 days, 6 tries and a number of prayers later, (if this works) i think i may have conquered the blogger demon...

2004-08-30T13:20:00.000+10:00

well i am feeling rather clumsy today. reminiscing with laura (wendybird) about our physical culture dance club thingy when we were little tikes coz she found an old video of us dancing (well... attempting to dance). it turns out i'm hilariously clumsy and well... let's just say... um... not very good at dancing... :( and i didn't think i was all that bad...
nic's moving out to nan's place during this week, and i wanna go too, but supposedly i'm not allowed coz it would be too much of a disruption to my studies! NEWSFLASH - isn't it more distracting having jackhammers and no water and no washing machine (oh yes, we are deprived of even the washing machine)?! i just don't get my parents at all sometimes... i wonder if my kids will ever say that about me? i'm sure they will. but i wanna move to nan's, and i think it would be better sooner rather than later. something about movinjg to nan's seems rather appealing and extremely exciting. it's not that i'd be particularly closer to belrose, although there is that too, but the thought of living in a very suburban area again gives me butterflies. maybe you people out there wouldn't be able to understand... it's just this strange, exciting, adrenalin-rush feeling. and maybe it sounds like i'm over exaggerating, but it's how i feel and i don't understand it either.
i'm going for a jog with chris tomorrow - how absolutely random. i'm actually a bit nervous coz i'm extremely unfit at the mo since i haven't done any exercise since the start of the year (don't you just love being in year 12) and so i'm gonna feel extremely unco and i'll be perspiring like a pig...
on wednesday i'm going to see the lion king (woo hoo) and then the HSC music performance concert is on at night and i'm feeling rather unprepared and scared... but i like singing and i like the adrenalin of being on stage, but then i hate the feeling that i get near the end of a piece, but it's such a great feeling when it's all over. actually, why do i put myself through such trauma???
my fav quote of the day was discovered when steph peak was hassling mrs cav (english teacher), "i feel as though i learn more when you tell me the answers." if you think about it, it is a resonable statement, but on first glance it is rather amusing...

oh and jade's fly was undone, but it's done up now...

2004-08-28T22:48:00.000+10:00

it's official - i hate pop-ups!!!
and i hate satan and how absolutely coniving and cheeky he is.
i just got off the phone to courty where i told her about never actually witnessing porn sites or whatnot, and jumping on the internet, what's the first thing on m screen - some popups saying come to such-and-sucha site and download such-and-such pictures for free...
that really ticks me off!!!

2004-08-28T22:39:00.000+10:00

Why does chocolate have to be so dam good? And what makes it so good?
Why am I obsessed with chocolate? Why do I have to fight my addiction?
What is it that makes me feel so naughty when I eat it?
Why is my chocolate supply never a constant flow? Why are there always times of an absolute abundance of chocolate and other times of complete barren-ness?
Why isn’t there anything else that tastes as good as chocolate?
Will there be chocolate in heaven? If so, will it be more perfect than the chocolate on earth?
Hmmmm, I think I noticed some chocolate-covered bickies in the pantry downstairs…

Lauren’s random issues for the night:

Sleeping is supposedly the greatest act of faith… (Somehow I don’t agree…)
Not that I’m complaining, but why do we revolve our lives around the opposite sex?
Not that it’s an issue for me personally at this present time, but why do guy/girl relationships hurt so much sometimes?
And why is it so hard to give up things that you know aren’t very good, but are really that bad either, but you know God would like you to, but you know that you don’t particularly want to???

2004-08-27T13:25:00.000+10:00

well things are goodo i guess. stressful but relatively happy.
the thing that has really got me is not the HSC stuff, but that the builders killed my water system in my house, so we are unable to use any of the cold water taps upstairs. ok so the hot water's still going strong, but this does not help the situation of toilets or showers... yesterday arvo i had a minor stress when i realised this. so now we have to lug buckets of cold water upstairs just to flush the loo...
yet every bad situation has a positive side - because showering would be impossible, it was bathtime for lauren! i haven't had a bath in years. so of course i got out all the bubble-bath thingy-ma-jiggies and whatnot and had a great little time. burnt my feet when i got in (coz i was too lazy to get more buckets of water from downstairs), so had to get redressed and retrieve more cold water. because i was still too lazy, the bath was still pretty must roasting me, but i loved it. i wallowed for quite a hefty while and eventually gave myself a foot massage and facial scrub... *sigh*... wow it was nice to pamper myself. it was nice to be a girly-girl for a change.
last night music 2 had their little performance night, and i was invited along to perform too coz mrs oberg wouldn't be able to accompany me next wednesday when my class is on. wow i am so in awe at my friends' talent!!! i can't believe it. hanging out with chris fish lately has made me feel so amateur. i love playing piano, but really i'm no good... but hey, yeh last night was so inspiring. chris (ives) and cheryll and kylie bailey (my singing teacher) came to see me perf. i didn't do very well, but oh well. i could never compare to the music 2 people...
tonight i'm taking triple G to macquarie ice rink and then chillin out with chris afterwards (ives that is - there are so many chris's that i talk about hey?!). i'm really excited about going crazy with our girls. and then i'm looking forward to chillaxing and watching potentially pirated copies of shrek 2. ha!
my weekend's cut out to be quite musically based. going to a piano lesson with chris tomorrow morn, singing lesson with beck on sunday arvo and hopefully some rehearsals along the way. i think i could almost say that my whole life revolves around music...
beck has just commented to me about matt's blog's 'anonymous comment' - "I love you sexy"... i think she's jealous... who was it? com'on, be honest. we're all family after all right?! is there really a secret admirerer of matt out there? i think it's time to come out of the closet...

2004-08-24T00:13:00.000+10:00

ok i started writing a post, but t was all complainy and grumble-bumbles so it's gone now.
i keep on thinking to myself that it will all be better by summertime. no more HSC, no more builders and their jackhammers, no more deadlines, no more responsibility, no more schedules, no more rehearsals, no more need for procrastination, no more sacrifices, no more assignments, no more tensions, no more early starts, no more late nights, no more hollowness...... well for a while anyway.....
i think i'm looking forward to most is falling asleep sunbaking on bilgola beach...

2004-08-23T22:45:00.000+10:00

my head is zonked. i like that word. it's fun.
tricking tom is fun too. i like trying to get reactions. today u2 split up - didn't you know? hehe
i'm cruel...

all these other blogging yr 12's hav taken an oath against letting the HSC beat them... to say that i'm fine and that i'm not gonna fail would not honestly reflect my feelings for the present moment in time... by the way people, i never really told you my marks from trials - i failed english (47%) and maths (47%), just scraped a pass in pd (50%) (ha!), got a disappointing mark in music (67%), didn't come last in my chemistry class (63% in theory, 88% in prac), and passed biology (70.25% in theory, 80something% in prac). so there you go! not very good... sorry your prayers weren't put to very good use. but i really did appreciate everyone's support. God kept me sane! and i got to look forward to the nowra weekend away - 'twas brill!
but now things are feeling alot more serious and tension is building... and it doesn't help at all when people say you've got two and a half months to go till it's all done!!! that just makes it more hectic and scary!... and thinking that i start my HSC in 17 days isn't very helpful either...

2004-08-22T12:12:00.000+10:00

Oh how devastated am I?! Reading yesterday’s paper th’smorn and found a little article saying Millsy (from Australian Idol) was to be performing at Warringah Mall at 1pm on Sunday! I pondered to myself all the screaming teenage girls that may be there and wondered if I could possibly pull it off... But then reading on a few pages, a more official article said that he was to be performing today (meaning Saturday)! Dam newspaper getting my hopes up and all…
No, I am not being serious…
Don’t you hate that when you go to take a sip of something and you completely miss your mouth – it’s rather embarrassing…
Last night I had fun although I’m completely nackered. Brooky hotel for a yummy dinner with a smaller-than-expected group of church people (poor effort guys!) but I had a nice time. Then trecked to avalon with Liz, Tanya and Carms for a breakthru artz film to be in the party scene, where we attempted to dance and pretended to be cracking onto eachother. For some reason I got paired off with Rob Saunders (sorry Chris. I behaved myself though…), and there was a lot of staged flirting with people. But at leat there were real drinks hehe… And Helen’s house has a gorgeous view of Avie beach and the ocean… But I do have to say – everyone’s energy levels had diminished considerably by the end of the shooting, which I thought was quite amusing (matt and dell had fallen asleep, and jo was well on her way to dreamland). But the partying didn’t end there for Lauren – no siree! Liz, Tanya and I drove back to Liz’s place and hung out, rugged up, watched some olympics, chatted, and eventually fell asleep… I woke up after another strange dream (something about pretending to get with someone for some film…), played squashing Tanya, ate some English muffins and watched some more olympics. Then Nic came and picked me up and here I am, at home, wondering what Ernie’s kindness project will be, whether I should go to church tonight (coz it’s my dad’s b’day and I wanna help make a special dinner for him), trying to work out how I should go about this English assessment and chillaxing to some more Jamie Cullum…
This has been a rather trivial and Lauren-centred post. Sorry. I shall think of something interesting and/or controversial to post later…
I must say, tom’s answering machine prompting message thingy is quite funny and it threw me off and broke my train of thought and I laughed and said some things that didn’t make sense and laughed some more and yes…

2004-08-21T15:31:00.000+10:00

jamie cullum is seriously brill! i'm lovin this cd chris - thankyou so so so much! woke up grumpy and sick, but now after a few hours of jazz, i'm feelin so much better... jazz is great! and amuzing friends are even better. and then God tops it all off.
Because i've been asked questions about certain things (thanks Chris), here is some pictures to prove that jamie cullum really does get up on his absolutely beautiful piano:

and to compare the diff between flugelhorn, trumpet, cornet, and piccolo trumpet (show in that order from left to right):
.
actually i woke up th'smorn after a really bizaar dream wishin i could get hold of my old flugel. i miss it.
i wish i could remember my weirdo dream. it was completely hectic and haywire. m head was way too active lastnight/ths'mornin... i don't understand why we have dreams?! it doesn't make sense. why can't we just sleep peacefully without things still running around upstairs? the consolation for this is that i absolutely love watching animals sleeping and twitching when they're dreaming... ha! amusement plus hey?!

2004-08-20T11:53:00.000+10:00

well for the sake of making him feel smart, i shall share his smart word:
i can't wait to denuttify after my HSC! in other words, i'm going nuts and stressing and about to cry, and so i'm looking forward to be able to recover my sanity... so there you have it; chris's pearl of wisdom for today...
another interesting question that's been bugging me lately: is satan omnipresent?
my answer would have been a "yes", but of late my theory has changed to a "no". should i explain?

ok well satan is a fallen angel right? angels aren't omnipresent. therefore satan isn't omnipresent.
when driving out demons, they leave and then bring back several friends. thus they cannot telepathise to other demons "help, i'm under attack, come quick...". and they cannot ask satan to tell other demons to come help either. they have to physically leave (if that's possible for a demon - spiritual realm and all...) and find some pals and bring them back and then repossess the person. thus, demons aren't omnipresent.
satan can't hear what we're thinking, and the only way that he knows what's going through our head is outward communication (eg. verbal and physical). in this respect, satan is nothing like God - he's completely weak and pathetic in comparison.

i've run out of things to say for now, but i'll keep you posted (ha! pun) on more relevant rebutals as they arise... feel free to add your own ideas...

2004-08-20T08:06:00.000+10:00

so many of my blogs of late have included many a promise that "I'll blog more on that later"... well, i wont. i'm sorry. i'm muchly sad. HSC almost sorta takes priority. well no, it's the guilt of not studying that makes it hard to finish my blogs (let alone gather my thoughts).
does anyone else have a special place where they pretend that they're in a different situation? i do. whenever i'm in the shower, i find myself pretending that i'm having a converstaion with someone or in some dramatic situation - like i pretend to be in a car crash and act out how i would react and what i would say, etc. what would be the last words that come out of my mouth?
actually, about that - what happens if the last thing you said was a swear word coz you were in a freaky situation? if swearing's a sin, then you can't get cleansed of that sin before you die, so do you go to hell unforgiven???

2004-08-18T15:10:00.000+10:00

you wouldn't believe where i am blogging from?! HOME!!! it's an amazing, humbling feeling to be able to finally sit down at my puter and "surf the net"! i couldn't cope anymore, so i used my enginuity and attached a chunk of cables and now i can have a play... oh how i've missed it.
ok, my hundred and first blog was actually going to be quite deep, but then of course i had saved it to disk and went on my merry little way to school to post it and upon reaching my destination of the library computers, my disk decided that it would have a spasm and reconfigure all my work... hmmm... but maybe it was a God thing coz the post had been quite controversial, with such topics as reconciliation, demons, skepticism & cynicism and prayer & action... so there you go. maybe God didn't want me to share my opinion on that stuff just yet. maybe the blogging world isn't ready to hear it, or maybe i'm not ready to say it. do you think God does that? i reckon He does. i guess some people would call it fate. or luck...
now i'm quite disappointed that i couldn't publish my extensively long and deep post that i wrote last night after getting home from bible study. it took a hefty while to write i must say. i was quite dedicated. how saddening...
well i still have some quotes that inspired my defaulted post:
"The opposite of cynicism is scepticism."
"The kingdom of God advances through prayer and action."

2004-08-06T10:50:00.000+10:00

i just realised that this would be my 100th post. HAPPY 100TH BLOG LAUREN! I guess i'd like to express my appreciation and gratitude to my faithful readers (and anyone else who has the occassional glance)! i couldn't have done it without you...
nah really, i'm getting pretty slack hey? but it's good that i have been able to obstain from the clutches of addictive obsessive compulsive blogging... (as apposed to OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder)...
life is amusing at the mo. once again the agony of throat infections has kicked in, and drugs are fabulous...
bell went, must dash...

2004-08-01T16:44:00.000+10:00

honey, i'm home!!!
had a muchly enjoyable, tiring, God-filled, fun-filled, hilarious weekend. too good! nowra was pretty nice (quaint is the word today...), and the guesthouse was great (a mix of creaky, eery and cozy all at the same time...). i don't have time to fill you all in on the goss of what happened just at the moment coz ernie shall be starting in a few minutes, but i'll write a full description at a later date...
nic's home though! i wonder if she's gonna come to church tonight? or will i see her at home. actually, it might be better if i can see her at home coz she'll be swarmed by mobs of people all asking her how europe was and i won't get a chance to catch up... that's all good though.
and guess what - i'm not free of trials just yet! dam! music performance and maths speech and then i'll be all dreamy and floaty and non-stressed...
ok i'll blog sometime later.

2004-07-28T17:33:00.000+10:00

actually no! i definitely have another thing to say: "I CAN'T BELIEVE RYAN'S TAKEN ME OFF THE BLOG BOG!!!"
see it would be understandable and acceptable if it weren't for the fact that Matt's blog is still there... com'on, i miss 1.5 weeks and Matt hasn't even touched his for almost 3 months. that's a little unfair, isn't it? do i hear an "Amen"???

2004-07-28T17:26:00.000+10:00

how good have i been? i haven't blogged in a week and a half!!! that's pretty impressive...
there's not really much i want to say just now, but i guess i could say that i'm not dead. but i am going to fail chemistry and pd, so therefore i shall soon be dead...
i guess i could also say that my private blog is "no more"!!! i've opted for the typed hard copy. it's more reliable in the fact that is less accessible...
i can't wait til trials are over... this weekend shall be great! nowra, friends, God, chowing (on food), music, chilling, sleeping, relaxing... too good!
that's about it for the mo

2004-07-18T17:49:00.000+10:00

i posed an interesting point to liz that the reason for Beck to have dropped out of the blogging circle for the while, is because she just wants to appear next to matt on the blog bog...

2004-07-18T17:24:00.000+10:00

hehe how funny, i was so absolutely sure i was on worship band tonight. that's priceless. oh well i get to blog. i like blogging. but i've been so good lately in my attempts to cut down. how good ave i been?! yeh i've almost been good. i only wrote 2 public posts in a whole week plus this one. yay!
but it's fun to get back on blogger and see that they've added more options and stuff to the toolbars and whatnot. well i thought it was fun.
i like stuff at the moment, but then i don't. personally, i'm going absolutely great. but in the sense of school and stress levels, i guess it's not so good. i know that as soon as i come out of the english exam tomorrow, i'll be ready to knuckle down and actually do some proper work. so in knowing this, i've just been doing the english stuff that i'll hopefully be able to remember tomorrow. but then again, i realised that i was actually studying the wrong material (coz english paper 2 is on wednesday)... great!
on a happier note though: Matty G (aka. geldo, matt gelding) and Emma are pregnant! yay! i think that's rather exciting...
I don't feel like i should be blogging anymore tonight. i am limiting my blogging intake
tim banning says "the frogs in the pond are green, except the red ones"...

2004-07-15T11:00:00.000+10:00

I know I didn’t want to find myself in this situation today, blogging once again, but here I am… Naughty naughty…
Got home quite late last night (in other words, in the early hours of th’smorning) after Bluegummming and Woolworthsing and Tom’s-placing and caking and happy-birthdaying and driving. T’was good quality fun. Muchly cold (7 degrees on the Hornsby thermometer), but muchly enjoyable. Happy birthday Liz, our fluffy marshmallow, sausage on a bus… 20 years old – how exciting to be properly classified as an adult…
Socialising is good fun. Only problem is when the folks aren’t too happy about it, and can see straight through your little tricks (of buttering them up – yeh Helen, it didn’t work), then threaten that “you’re risking the car keys”… That spoils things doesn’t it? Is it just my parents? Surely not. But I completely understand. I have trials starting on Monday. That’s a whole three days and four nights. Wow! So soon! It’s when I say it like that that I start to panic and think I really gotta get stuff done and be good and work my little butt off…
But I’m blogging right now (I’m glad I’ve got my priorities straight…).
Because I don’t want Chris to get addicted to blogging, I shall blog for him. I wonder what he would write? How would he write it? I don’t know. Well, he might talk about his future inventions – Mr Chris is an ideas man. Like 3D twister – 6 twister mats all joined into a cube and players have handles to cling to (that was my contributed idea)… Another Chris idea was growing chicken breast cells in labs, as supposed to putting chickens through the pain of cages and all and culling them half-way through their happy little lives for food.
Controversial topic that Chris brought up last night: Are a socks foot gloves, or are gloves hand socks?
Ok, I think that was it from the Chris list of bloggable moments. I’m sure he has tons more smarty pants bloggable ideas, but he doesn’t have a blog, so I guess we’ll never know… Can I make you a blog Chris? Just don’t get addicted like the rest of us…
Oh and talking about encouraging friends to get their own blogs, I coaxed Tanya Deane into creating her own special blog, which she made a few posts, then deleted them all. Dam, so close. Maybe one day…
Liz’s party tonight. Should be fun. Since it is a games night and all… Yay for Liz being so wonderful. Again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIZ!
I like being sneaky. I like tricking people. How bad, but then it should all turn out great – hopefully. Hmmm, maybe you don’t all know what I’m talking about, but I do, so I’m satisfied… And this could be classed as another moment of trickery by writing this. But sometimes people make it so easy for you to be sneaky. I love it…
I think that’s about it for now. I shall go do some English work…

2004-07-14T16:30:00.000+10:00

Hmmm I have to say, staplers make the best castanets. Stapling is good fun. Rubix cubes are fun too. Computering is a great waste of time too. Sitting here typing this nonsense blog is entirely valuable.
Last night I had a minor stress about what I’m going to do with my life. Yes, accountancy is still as gooda career as any. The main concern is “which uni?”. There’s no way I’m gonna get into Sydney, Macquarie or NSW. I don’t particularly want to go to TAFE or college. I wish someone would come up to me and say “this is what you’re gonna do, this is how you do it, you’ll be great at it”… Ah, that would be so dam good. But no, that’s not how it works. And I don’t wanna move away from Sydney. I like it here. The people are nice. The view is great. My house will be tops. I don’t want to have to leave it all.
Thinking about such things has made me play with my stapler again. I love procrastination. At least there’s been no way for me to watch videos and all that jazz these hols, coz the VCR and the rest of that stuff’s in a box somewhere. I think the most successful way of getting me to concentrate on ‘the dreaded study’ would be locking me in a concrete cell, no view, no staplers, no computer, no music, no musical instruments, no swivel chairs, no jackhammering buildery dudes, no phones, no lollies, no chocolate, no rubix cubes, no need to pack up anything, no friends, no emotions, no dilemmas, no responsibilities, no desires to blog… A room of nothing. Just me, a piece of paper and an uninteresting writing implement (some pens/pencils seem to amuse me greatly)...

Distraction, Desire, Obsession, Addiction,
When honesty and integrity all turns to fiction.
How many lies to keep them content?
So many feelings I wish I could vent.
When will it all be over? How long will it be
Till I can leap and frolic and be completely free?
Close your stinging eyes, count to ten,
Open those eyes and breathe again…

2004-07-11T08:38:00.000+10:00

Tim Hughes must be the biggest Delirious fan. It was Tim Hughes that wrote “You” wasn’t it? Well there’s a song by Delirious called “My Glorious” and the main line in that song (apart from “my glorious”) is “bigger than the air I breathe”… hmmm what’s with that. And seriously, Martin Smith’s vocal tone colour sounds so similar to Tim Hughes voice – while listening to Glo th’smorn I had to check the cover to make sure that they hadn’t got Tim in as a guest singer, it was that similar. So next time I se Tim I’ll have to ask him about Delirious. I bet he could tell me every little detail about them and all the concerts he’s been to and the times that he’s met them in person…
Oh and just listening to “Intimate Stranger” and it sounds way too much like “You are the one who satisfies” (well I don’t know the proper title). So I dunno who actually wrote these songs, but man they’re plagiarised off Delirious (that is, unless Martin Smith wrote them and takes the credit for them, coz that would be ok – he’s the lead singer of Delirious in case I lost you back there).
Ok so maybe it’s the English accent and culture or something, but man Tim and Martin are just too similar. I think Tim and his songs are completely Delirious influenced though…
But there’s a great song on Glo that could work so well as a worship song. I’ll look into it…
Today sounds fun! Yay I like fun days. But I gotta pack up my fish tank and say goodbye to my silly little fish that I have forgotten to feed since Liz came and fed it on Monday (or was it Tuesday?). Poor little fishy, but hopefully at Janine and Steve’s place it will be happier. After dropping silly little fishy off at Janine’s, straight to the pub I go (for Youth Alpha of course). Then to Manly for fish and chips on the beach with the Youth Alpha crew and then back to church. And then probably maccas after that. And yay I get to catch up with everyone – Chris and Maryanne will be back. They’ve both been away the whole of last week, so I’m getting excited to go see em! YAY!
Does anyone else ever get weirdo nervous twitches? Yesterday I got the good old ‘eye twitch’, and right now I’m getting the ‘hand twitch’ – it’s just shaking away happily to itself.
I have to say I’m not a bagpipe fan. Sorry to all those bagpipers out there, but man they’re irritating. Had to skip a Delirious song coz it was too much bagpipiness for me. And I felt so terrible skipping a song, due to what Tom was saying in his sermon last week. I’m sorry Tom. I didn’t mean to disrespect Delirious at all. In fact, they were disrespecting me by having nasty bagpipes on their album. So there, I feel like I have justified my actions enough – so it’s all Delirious’s fault! Ha! but I still love ‘em.
This has turned out to be a dumb post I say. Hmmm, just lately I’ve been letting myself down in the blogging department. Not so good. not enough controversy and interesting topics. Not that I’m ever very interesting. But the topics I’ve been talking about in my blog of late have been ratehr tedious for even me to re-read…
Ooooh, Martin Smith can’t say “me” (from the song “Jesus’ Blood”) very well – it sounds like an Aussie impersonation. Quite pathetic really. You gotta laugh though. Ha! I laugh at Poms. I can’t wait til Nic gets back and I can knock her for her wannabe accent. We love the English accent, so hearing Nic try will be a kack! ***sigh*** When Nic gets back… the stories she will tell. I wish I could be there. I wish I could see Soul in the City. That would be the best. One day we’ll have a SITC in Sydney. Well I hope so. That would be good. But I do believe that Soul Survivor Sydney will grow and it will be as well known as Hillsong. Well that’s my hopes anyway… Whatever the Lord has planned, I shall be grateful for. Coolies…

2004-07-09T14:50:00.000+10:00

i wonder how whistley old kettles work? there's a whistley old kettle at church. it really does whistle- quite musically talented really. how fascinating...

2004-07-09T14:21:00.000+10:00

howie's comments really are stuffed! poor howie...

2004-07-09T13:33:00.000+10:00

well howdy.
where do i begin?
after yesterday's lack of study, extensively long mobile conversations with courtney, driving to homebush superdome with liz hayes and courtney, being joined by chris (matthew lorne), experiencing a hillsong conference, shenaniganising around olympic park (i guess that's what it's called?), witara maccas-ing, driving tom, chris (m.l.), liz and courtney home, then finally driving myself back home and creeping in at 1am th'smorning, i am rather exhausted. i'm sure if i had written that sentence in microsoft word, it would have got a wiggly green line and told me that it was too longer sentence to comprehend... yeh but i was so about to fall asleep on my drive back home last night, i resorted to farmyard noises ("mooo", "gobble gobble", "oink". "quack" was the most successful in keeping me awake. you should try it sometime...), music up and singing at top of lungs, trying to sing out of tune (which was quite fun...), face slapping, arm pinching, eye opening to as wide as poss, etc. another too long sentence right there for you...
and then... th'smorn in the light hours i became aware that i was awake at 7am when the jackhammers started and there was the ever-pleasant sound of smashing windows...
9:10am at mall for Triple G outing (i think i've said it enough now, but Triple G stands for God's Gorgeous Gals, which is a bible study group for yr 6-8's and Beck and i lead it... just so that i don't have to say it again...). we were all amped up to see Shrek 2 at 9:30am, but silly hoyts had advertised wrong session times, so we decided the 10:30am session would do. so in this free time we had brunch and talked and coles-ed and lollied and laughed. good stuff.
funniest moment was when beck said something like "hey girls, guess what? lauren's got a boyfriend", to which i added "ha! so does beck!", to which the girls replied "oh look, a mug!" and they all ran off to admire this mug... i love innocense.
when the movie was about to start, one of El's teeth came out while chewing a minty, causing bloody tissues and making Shelly-bel almost vomit... but then the movie started and it was great. i have to say shrek's human self completely looks like john mayer (did you pick up on that one Matt???). i don't mean just a little bit like johnny, i'm talking like full-on utter john mayer. Shrek seriously had to be based on John Mayer... well i think. so many great priceless moments in that movie - too good! loved it. i could definitely see it again and again. 10 goods. i loved the fact that i could hear beck laughing at exactly the same moments as me even though we were sitting so far apart Ha! we had to be the noisiest, rowdiest people there in the theatre. but the whole thing was hysterical...
but now i've blogged the past 24hrs worth of galivanting and so i'm content...
and now i shall try to study...

2004-07-08T13:14:00.000+10:00

i am so absolutely impressed with God's amazing handywork. He'll never cease to amaze...
i was looking for information about this amazing astronomical event that happened recently (i think Chris found the images, but alas, i cannot). hopefully i shall be able to post them soon... but for now, enjoy these images...
oh dear! how did that get in there! oops...

2004-07-08T10:00:00.000+10:00

i think i owe everyone an apology: i'm sorry for the extensive writing now on my blog that i have been doing over the last few days and now been suddenly able to get on the internet (at church mind you) and post. and i'm sorry that i haven't been able to catch up on what everyone else has been doing. i shall try to now. please forgive me?...

yeh well now that that's said, i can ramble some more... so i'm sitting at church, typing away happily on the computer. i'm prolly not allowed to be here, but i find that the church is my 'safe place'. i guess i would prefer to be here than anywhere else in sydney. only problem is that my fingers are so bloody freezing. i have decided to do some blogging now, study after that for a good few hours, then tonight go to homebush superdome for a hillsong conference. sounds good. my house is just too noisy today. yesterday i had decided i didn't mind waking to the sound of a jackhammer - it's less irritating than my alarm clock - more of a dull thudding rather than piecing shreeking sounds. but no, jackhammering is only good to wake you up. when you've been awake a while and you're laying in bed, the last thing you want to hear/feel is the banging of a jackhammer on the other side of your bedroom wall. it sux. yesterday was head-achey, so today i'm taking no chances. i got out of there asap. ok this post is rather boring i just realised. not very controversial or inspirational or encouraging at all... i shall stop now.

2004-07-07T17:04:00.000+10:00

I desire to blog because I’ve got so much to say, but it appears that my thoughts are quite haywire at the moment, so I shan’t blog at the moment.

2004-07-07T10:04:00.000+10:00

Oh my goodness! There is a crack in my floor boards and I can see through to downstairs! Ok I’m feeling rather in danger. If the floor underneath me decided to give way I would be a gonna. Calm down. I shall trust the builders coz they should know what they’re doing right???

2004-07-07T00:14:00.000+10:00

Found a sheet of paper I didn’t know I had. On it was some info about worshipping God. It said some good things. Challenging, but good. And I think it’s important that I share some of it:
“Biblically, worship is all about responding in right ways to God. And the first thing that we must grasp is that worship is primarily about God. While we may pay lip service readily to this fact, in practice it is often quite difficult for us to engage in. We live in a very self-centred world, where self-gratification, self-satisfaction, self-fulfilment and the like drive so much of our activity and determine so many of our responses. If we’re not careful, we’ll find ourselves evaluating our worship in this self-focused way. Of course worship involves me; I am a participant in it. Yet it is not primarily about me or for me.”
Well yeh, I’m much in agreements. Not that I don’t do things for my own glory. Not at all – I’m a shocker; the miss self-righteous queen. But I think we, as Christians, need to be more aware of our selfish desires and consciously be looking more towards glorifying God in everything we do. Well that’s two cents…

2004-07-06T18:15:00.000+10:00

I love Liz. She’s great. Came over to my place again today, to drop off some of her old hsc study notes and past papers. And she bought me some study snacks – 2 BLOCKS OF DOVE CHOCOLATE AND A BAG OF STARBURST LOLLIES! How good! Yummo. I’m gonna get off my butt and do some work so that I can eat some. So Liz and I got to hang out again YAYness. I taught her how to play some guitar chords and she did great! Much faster learner than I am. I’m very much impressed Liz. Good on you. What a champion I say!
I wonder how my car is doing? Dad rang up a while ago and said the mechanic dude found something wrong with the steering (well derrrr!) and so it’s gonna take a while longer than expected. I hope they fix that aeroplane buzzing too. That would be nice. I’m getting over that irritating sound…
Chris called and is currently having a massage as we speak. I am so dam jealous. I’ve never had a professional massage. Maybe Chris can get some pointers and tips and give me a massage sometime. That would be nice (hint hint Chris…).
I have 2 great big balls of blu-tac and U-tac now that most of my posters are down. My room’s a saddening sight at the moment – boxes and mess everywhere, and almost bare walls. I don’t get it – mum’s telling me to pack up my room, but dad’s saying that it won’t be for a few months until I must depart. Then the builders say that I will have to move in less than a month, probably within 2 weeks. So who do I listen to and what should I do?

2004-07-06T12:22:00.000+10:00

Ok so most people don’t know what the EMO genre/style is even though they listen to it non-stop. So here’s some stuff I found about it in a discussion session about song writing on ultimate-guitar.com (where I get most of my tabs and chordlature from). Keep in mind that I’ve sorted through it a bit and added my own thoughts and deleted useless information…
Well here goes:

EMO's big draw, particularly to college and older listeners is that it bleeds. It's gut wrenching in an intelligent, melodic way and it deals with issues in a very open and honest manner. Also remember that EMO likes dealing with more mature issues. eg. You won't really find any EMO songs about rebelling against authority, while most teen punk is littered with such sentiments. "Anna Begins" by the Counting Crows depicts a guy waking up at night beside his girlfriend and wondering what they're really about. Coldplay's "Yellow" touches on how a girl has everything her way and how the guy can't seem to turn her his way.
EMO singers have notoriously depressing tones. Crows, Staind, Coldplay, Lifehouse, etc the voice produces much of the feel.

Emo lyrics usually express everything you feel in a few, simple catchy phrases. This is accomplished by using those literary instruments (metaphor, allegory, analogy, onomatopeia, wordpainting, etc).
Counting Crows' "Round Here":
"Round here, we talk like lions, but we sacrifice like lambs.
Round here, it's slipping through my hands."
The sentiment of disillusionment just drips in these two lines. To achieve the same effect by using literal lyrics would take much longer, and won't have the same effect. Lyrics shouldn't be literally visual. You're not narrating a story, you should think more along the lines of imparting an emotion.
Coldplay's "Yellow":
“I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
Oh what a thing to do.
Cos you were all "Yellow,"
I drew a line,
I drew a line for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
And it was all "Yellow."
Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
And you know
for you I'd bleed myself dry.”
You might think these lyrics are terribly simple but the truth of the matter is that, coupled with Chris Martin's vocal style, it's very well-constructed. The repeating lines show to the urgency of his actions, the line "Oh what a thing to do" highlights the uselessness of what he's done. Then of course comes the required "thesis statement" which is, "For you I'd bleed myself dry". As you said, you can accomplish a lot with a few simple words and this song shows it.

Ok sorry, that was a bit messy. I don’t really know where you draw the line between emo, rock, pop, etc. I guess anything that you class as soft to mid rock would be emo. When I get my internet up and running again, I’ll do a search for more stuff info about the emo genre, but for the moment you’ll have to be satisfied with this info. Or you could always do your own search...

2004-07-06T11:55:00.000+10:00

Wow I just found an old old booklet while cleaning up some stuff in my room. It just happened to be the EXTREME 200 YEARBOOK for our youth groups. Wow, the memories are truly fantastic. That’s 4 years of difference and it’s so funny. It’s so interesting to see how people have changed and stayed the same and who’s left and who’s stayed and all that jazz. I’m loving it! I’ll have to bring it to church on Sunday, just for a laugh. All these things I’m learning about people. I think I’ll show it to Tom and we can make one for this year’s Ernie. Oh man we have to!
I think I might cry. I know that sounds so corny, but something about reading about growing up and away and the things we did back then and how it’s so different now has made my heart almost break. I’m not sure if I’m sad or happy. I never thought we’d all end up so changed. I never thought particular people would leave. It never occurred to me that things would eventuate to what it has. Why did so many people leave our group? I wish I had been a better witness. It makes me want to go back and change the way I behaved and the dumb things I said. I wish I had understood Christianity sooner. I wish I was known as the well-behaved kid, the good kid, the Jesus Freak kid, the encouraging kid… Anything but the annoying kid. I never realised I was such a loner. Dam. I think people felt sorry for me. If I knew a kid now that was like me back then, I’d feel sorry for them. I think I really did have a mind case of ADD. Something was seriously wrong with me. I guess there’s tons still wrong with me. I wish people would tell me the detrimental things/habits I do that just aren’t good. I don’t ever ever ever want to be the annoying kid again.
I find it so amusing and upsetting at the same time (because I had been so self-righteous at that stage in my life. I guess I still am, but I’m trying not to) reading stuff that I had written back then. I know I was trying way too hard to look like a profound Christian. I don’t think I was being completely honest with myself or anyone else. How could I have been truly in love with God at such an age, with so much crap going on and so many issues. I am so sure that the leaders could see through me, but I had no idea. Things I wrote included:
Fav song: Like a child by Jars of Clay.
Best thing about being me: Miss helpful and advice.
If my life were made into a movie it would be called: Jesus Child.
See, I’m so pathetic. Why do I say such lies? Ok so maybe I had thought I was a good little Christian girl back then, but I know so well that looking back, I am completely embarrassed that I was such a self-righteous stuck-up snob. Wow I want to kick myself so hard! Stupid, stupid Lauren junior. Never again! I hate the fact that I tried too hard and I was completely see-through. No wonder people didn’t like me. No wonder I was labelled as “miss annoying”. And I was blind to it! I can’t believe myself! I suck man. It’s not that I don’t believe you can’t have God experiences at such an age. No, that’s fine. I probably did have those moments with God. The thing I’m angry with myself about is me being so cocky and sure of myself, and that I was oblivious to the fact that noone really wanted to hang out with me because I was so fixated ‘Lauren’ – me, myself & I. I was so sure of myself and thought that everyone should think I’m the best… I’m still selfish and I still want people to think highly of me though. And I hate that about me! I still say stuff in the hope that people will hopefully go “wow, Lauren’s really got this amazing heart for God. She’s so cool…” Everyone, I want you to know that I’m definitely not perfect. Far from it. I’m very very blessed to have so many fantastic people in my life. And I thank God for all the things He’s been showing me lately. I think maybe I have to get all this crap out of my system so that I can realise my faults and the things I have to fix (or rather that I can ask God to fix), and then I’ll be able to look to the future.
Also in something that Peter H had written in the booklet: “I think we can have an even greater global impact next year, don’t you?” I don’t remember doing anything too special to help the world. Man that’s something on my heart at the moment. I don’t know what doing, but there’s stuff I feel like I’m not getting involved in that I should be. I know I keep on telling myself “after the HSC I’ll do this…” But there you go – when all exams are done, I’m doing stuff! I’m gonna be busy. No sitting around. There’s the soup kitchen in the city for a starting point. I don’t really know where to go from there, but I know God has a plan and He’ll show what He wants me to do. Lord I pray that You’ll equip me with the ears and heart to be receptive to what You’re trying to tell me.

Reading stuff like this makes me determined to push the kids in Ernie to greater levels. It makes me ponder and challenge new ways of encouraging the girls in Triple G (God’s Gorgeous Gals – Beck and my bible study group). I love the fact that we write them letters and hang out and that they’re bringing their friends along. I love that God does stuff even when we’re exceedingly lazy. I love the fact that even if we don’t understand and do exactly what God wants, He’s still the same beautiful, loving, awesome Creator. It’s exciting and scary at the same time that I have no idea what I should be doing to spread God’s Kingdom, but He always seems to provide opportunities. Like last night at the Alpha Course, Courtney, Beck, Leech and I did a ring around and convinced 7 or so non-Christian friends of ours to come along with us and see what it was all about. And they enjoyed it! And more are thinking of coming/have said they will come next week. Our God is amazing! When I think all hope is lost and doors are slammed shut and locked with big fat padlocks and no key, He really does open windows! It’s true. My heart had sunk to the lowest of lows when mum scoffed at the thought of going to see Ian McCormack, but then last night she was so open to my beliefs! The power of prayer really is miraculous! It’s almost scary! I get excited thinking that there is still a possibility for my parents to one day make it to Heaven.

Wow, mixed emotions about so many things! God is good! He’s got a plan. I’m excited to see what happens…

2004-07-06T09:14:00.000+10:00

Alas for my room. Alas for my house. It’s looking so bare. Taken down most of my surf posters (had to leave my favs) and I’m planning to box lots of stuff today. Would anyone like a fish (comes with complimentary fish tank!)? It’s small and doesn’t take much looking after. In fact, I only really feed it once or twice a week if I remember at all – it doesn’t mind and it’ll survive anything. Someone surely would like to look after it for a while. You can keep it if you want… I dislike minimalism immensely. I’m scared of the fact that I have to “do without” so many things for the next six months.
Took my bomb to the mechanics th’smorn at 7am (so cold!). My poor car. It’s a bit sick. Supposedly I’m a “car thrasher” says Chris. I guess I am a bit, but I like testing the limits of my bomb. I didn’t mean to, but yesterday I came out of Forest Way shops and skidded round the corner and spun the tyres. I looked like a right old hoon. Some oldie coming out of the petrol station gave me a glaring look, as if to say “damn hooligan”. Oops, naughty Lauren…
Oh no! The builder downstairs just turned up his radio and now he’s singing really badly (I think he’s tone-deaf). Not only that, but he’s singing a Robbie Williams song. Ok now that’s really bad – I wont cope if this keeps up all day. Oh dear…
Last night I had the greatest chat with mum (it’s her birthday today – HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM! Not that she reads my blog anyway. She doesn’t know how to turn a computer on, let alone find my blog…) about:
* Chris and all that’s been going on there (including the week of prayer – tried to make it as non-christian friendly as possible, and she seemed receptive so YAYness!)
* The Idea of North (TION) and how cool they are – I think mum liked them coz I chucked it on my stereo. I even taught her what accapella means – I like being able to teach mum.
* Nicole going travelling and having Cheryl Ives (Chris's mum) as a mentor.
* Worship leading and the conference Chris and I went to.
What else? I think that was it. But how exciting. I was stressing about that convo, but it went down better than I could have imagined! Praise the Lord. There’s hope for my parents becoming Christians yet. Hmmm…
Ok and now there’s a jackhammer going in the room next to mine. I can open my door and there is a sweaty young lad holding a noisy machine and ripping apart my parent’s wall. It seems so weird that I’m just sitting here typing and all around me is mayhem and dissarray. Hectic! Oh no, the guy downstairs’s radio is now playing that Milsy song “Miss Vanity”. That song annoys me – it makes me think of vanity units and bathrooms and toilets. I think I’m a little too into this renovating business. Heck, we’ve had to do it a few times.
Janine (sister) just rang and said she’ll take my fishy on board so everyone ignore the bit above about the fish tank and all that. Yay that I’m gonna have a chat about accounting and how I should go about it all with Janine sometime during the week. Careers make me uncomfortable. I’m such a hopeless case… I do but then again I don’t want a proper job. So daunting to think that soon I’ll be sitting in a poky little office cubicle and writing reports and drinking more coffee than is good for me and staring at computer screens (which I guess I already do) and knowing that I HAVE to work coz otherwise I’ll get fired… And the fact that I’ll have to go to uni and study for 3 more years sux. One day I’ll be able to sit back and do nothing… Bring on retirement! Can’t wait to go travelling too. Had quite a few conversations recently about travelling overseas, and when would be the best time to do that? The main question for me would be ‘when can I afford it?’ – and to that question, the only suitable answer would be “I can’t even afford a schoolies trip up to my grandparent’s place in Kingscliffe (think Tweed Heads)”… Yeh I’m pretty much stuffed. It’s funny how God always provides, but maybe He doesn’t particularly think it’s necessary for me to go on schoolies. But I want to go. Maybe I won’t. Nobody really wants to come with me, and our whole year is going on some cruise, where they’ll spend their time getting drunk and sleeping with as many people as possible. Not good – not good at all…
Ok, I’ll think of some better things to write later. Off to pack a box of my junk and do a past paper...

2004-07-04T11:17:00.000+10:00

I wish I could blog from home. Blogging at church isn’t as enjoyable. I wrote some posts at home and had to save to disk and post them on the church computer. I felt silly. I miss blogging already. So many wonderful things have been happening and I can’t post anything. Supposedly I have to write the whole Chris story and post it. I think I better ask Chris first. He gets back from Forster next Saturday so I guess we can go through it all then. I’m almost tired of telling people what happened. But I’m also excited. It’s a good feeling. And I feel more free (which surprised me, coz I’ve never thought of being in a relationship as a freedom thing). Maybe it’s coz I don’t have to worry about who I talk to (yes I am talking about guys) coz I now know where I stand and I can just be me without worrying about what impression I’m giving across. That’s good I say. And it’s so great thinking of how God’s been working through everything for His purposes (and I guess my benefits too! Praise the Lord!). Oh man, just you wait til I can blog the whole thing. Actually, it will probably be even longer than that 4 page post I wrote a week ago, so you don’t have to read it.
Funny that. You write the most wonderful, exciting post and some dedicated people read it and go “wow that was long but good” and they’ll comment, but then most people will just read the short, unspecial posts and go “yeh, that was dumb”. I seem to get comments on the posts that aren’t very special to me, but the ones that I’ve put heaps into, no one reads or comments… I know I’m being silly coz there are some wonderful people who read my posts and/or comment, and I’m very very thankful that you take an interest in my life and my thoughts and all that. So if you’re still reading this post right to the end, I wanna say a big “thankyou” coz I really do appreciate you. I guess there are some things I write in my blog for my own satisfaction (as a way of releasing tension/thoughts/whatever) that I don’t really mind if people read it or not. But there are also things that I guess I write to get people interested in my thoughts and to make me look better (which is very selfish and quite pathetic really). I think alot of the time I want approval, and I want people to think highly of me so that I will be accepted. I wish I didn’t do that. Right now I’m writing to fill up time (maybe so that the people skim reading this post wont notice the “thankyou” in there somewhere). Sometimes I wish I could control the way my head works. I think I should stop soon. The bathroom is available now, so I’m off to have a shower.
Oh, but quickly – Tom’s talk was good. I want to attempt the challenge of being real and not judging myself about what I should be doing and how I’m a fatty sinner. I don’t know how to express my thoughts on the talk. Shall gather tomorrow… Something about me always trying to come across as a good Christian, with lots of quiet times and God experiences. I guess I’ve always felt the need to be accepted and admired (wow that took guts to say that!). Yeh so there it is! I always want to be admired, to appear holy, and to seem like I’ve got it all together. But I don’t. I never have/had/will have. I ain’t perfect. As much as I try to be, I never ever will be. Ok more revelations about Lauren are coming to your screen tomorrow… (hey yeh, I guess I was trying to be cool just then too – how pathetic of me. I wish I didn’t try so hard…)

2004-07-03T12:30:00.000+10:00

Fare thee well Nicole, Chris (and the rest of the Ives family), Maryanne (Ham) and anyone else that I’ve forgotten at this present moment…
It’s strange how the people that you want to be with the most seem to leave. Nic and I had a breakthrough on Thursday night – we chit-chatted about her trip and adventures that she’s going on around Europe – but now she’s left and I can’t chit-chat with my big sis anymore about stuff that’s been happening of late. And Chris left th’smorn too and I’m gonna miss him heaps – just as we start going out (YAY!) we can’t see each other for a whole week. But man I can always just dwell in last week and smile… and Ham’s on a study camp for a week and we were gonna hang out and it’s so hard to find a time to just chat and chill. I wish I was allowed to drive her, but yeh I understand how her parents don’t want her in a car with P plates – hopefully one day…
But yeh, I guess people going away and the phone lines in my house not working and a few other such things will help me concentrate on study this week coming and prevent distractions. These holidays are faring to be non-adventurous and rather bland though. A few good things planned, but there seems to be many a day of study. Which is probably a good thing…
Tonight is another soul survivor refresh night in Turramurra. I like visiting other churches. I think I should do that more often. I’m on BV’s (backing vocals) which is exciting. I like singing. It’s fun. I like God too. He’s fun. We laugh together. YAY! Praise the Lord! Seriously blessed me this whole past week. I haven’t felt so terrific in ages – perhaps ever! I just feel like things are how they are meant to be. Like there are tons of things I can think of that are no good at all, but there are so many more fantastic things that have made me feel so incredibly good! As the ‘cool’ people in my PD class would say (but not necessarily about God mind you), God is 10 goods…
Oh yeh, Jamie’s playing my guitar (my baby!) tonight and I’m getting a lift there with him coz I’m lazy and can’t be bothered to look up street maps today. It’ll be good to have a chat with him, see how he’s doing. Ask him how “his year” is going… I wonder if anyone else will be in the car – I hope not, coz it limits the conversations so much. I love personal convos and it’s so hard to have them when you’re talking with more than that one person.
Hmmm, I wonder what Matty G will say about Chris and I??? I wonder what a lot of people will say actually. Dam Chris going away – it means I have to answer all the questions and cop all the flack (if there is any, which I hope there isn’t, but you never can be sure with these things…). Much prefer to do it with Chris by my side. Wow! Yay! I can talk openly about liking Chris now! That’s exciting. I was truly getting tired of writing exciting stuff in my private blog that I couldn’t share with the rest of the world. Although Tom did find it. Embarrassment plus… Oh well, it’s all good now coz I don’t have to hide my feelings anymore. But good on Tom for being a good pal and not reading my diary even though he had the greatest opportunity. Hmmm please if anyone tries to find my private blog or accidentally bumps into it, I would be much appreciative if you didn’t read it. Feel free to tell me that you found it though. But yeh, I gotta fix it up so that people can’t read it hmmm. Maybe I need some help with that. And I wont be able to do it for a while coz I can’t use the net at home. Bugger…
Back to maths I go…

2004-07-02T15:41:00.000+10:00

[‘Twas written on Thursday 1.7.04 at 8:30pm, yet could not be posted then due to phone line malfunction (in other words, the stupid builders who stuffed up the wiring in my house). Well now that’s killed the poetic moment hasn’t it…]

A Week’s Patience
So much to say, so much to tell,
In my thoughts I cannot but dwell.
Too deep to write in this simple place,
Wishing to declare the Lord’s amazing grace.
Yet here I cannot answer, not yet, not today.
Let’s wait for the morrow, when way meets way.
And there in your arms I shall hold you near,
My heart shall beat softly “there’s no more to fear”

2004-06-30T17:09:00.000+10:00

oh my goody-woodies! just asked mum if maryanne could come over for dinner and got a look of disbelief, as though i had told her i'd just killed all her plants (she's a gardener/horticulturalist person...). man it's times like that where you just go "bollucks..." so after this creepy stare, mum proceeded to tell me that i should stop galivanting around and wasting my time (how funny that the first thing i did was come up and start blogging - shows dedication to the blogging world) and that i need to get serious about my hsc. well my heart ha just dropped about a metre and i have no idea how i will ever convince them about stuff... :'(
work Your miracles Lord!

ok yeh, i shall do study now. really i will... yeh i will... i must...

2004-06-30T15:56:00.000+10:00

ok mel's onto a good thing. thanks mel, the verses were more helpful then you know...
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." (Romans 12:1-2)
"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good." (Romans 12:9)
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." (Romans 12:12)

2004-06-30T15:04:00.000+10:00

so i'm a bit disappointed with Joss Stone. someone said i'd love her. yeh well no. she's alright, but her music is too vocal for my liking. more instruments are needed and more abstract chordlature. no one beats katie noonan. absolutely no one.
i wish i could have gone and seen TION (the idea of north) last night, but no, ma and pa says no-no's. 20 or so more weeks and i won't be under obligation to be good and come home early at night - can't wait! not that i have been early home at all of late. any i haven't had dinner with the fam for about a week. it was good to have breaky with the folks th'smorn though - i think they may have planned to have their breaky with me... hmmmm, my plotting and coniving parents. i wish i could properly talk to them about how i'm feeling, but they just don't understand what i'm about coz they aren't christians. and i wish i could talk about certain personal things, but i know they'd freak out and say i have too much on my plate this year to take on anything else. they don't know that i'm part of the youth alpha coarse, but it's hard to explain my reasons for doing it to them as they could never understand because they aren't christians. but i'm challenged and encouraged to get them to go to the next alpha coarse (for adults, not youth). i love the line "it would mean alot to me if you went along..." good on tanya's friend for getting her parents along.
i think i short-circutted chris's house last night. rang the door bell and their lights zapped out. ooops.
phil and guin's bible translation thingy was enjoyable last night. good on them i say. i'm glad i know a bit more about what they're doing and why and how and all that. i found that i like idioms... they're like phrases that, when translated into a different language/culture, mean completely different things. eg. in spanish "To another dog with that bone" is equivalent to "You're pulling my leg" in english.
hmmmm, i just found heaps, so her you go:
"To eat beans and belch chicken" - "His bark is mightier than his bite".
"They drink water from the same little jug" - "They're as thick as thieves".
"That's flour from another sack" - "That's a different story".
"His coconut slips" - "He has a screw loose".
"By a little hair of the frog" - "It was a close shave".
"If my aunt had wheels she would be a bicycle" - "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride".
"I have an aunt who plays the guitar" - "What does that have to do with the price of eggs in China?"
"To give the bottle a kiss" - "To take a swig".
idioms are good fun...
i think there was more stuff i had to say but i can't remember...