SLIGHTLY ODWAY...

If I were Santa, I would stop the frenetic madness of delivering millions of presents in one night and just divvy up my naughty/nice list, enlisting the help of the kids' parents to go out and buy the gifts.

It's always sad when you have to disillusion a child by telling him there is no Santa Claus. I prefer to maintain his innocence by just telling him that Santa can't come anymore because he contracted severe gonorrhoea and died.

With the popularity of biblical names these days, I'm kind of surprised at the reaction we get when people meet our little baby, Satan.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Frame a man for murder and the state will feed him every day for 25-to-life.

The next time you curse the fact that it's Monday, just think of it as proof that you made it through another weekend without killing yourself by doing something stupid.

I think a really cool thing for blind people would be talking warning signs. The drawback would be the resulting explosion of the blind population due to a lack of natural predators.

I can't help but think that the stronger sex is really the weaker sex because of the weakness of the stronger sex for the weaker sex.

I call my retriever puppy "Skipper" because he bounces two or three times every time I throw him out of the boat. He seems to like it though, unlike his predecessor, Mr. Drowny.

If you ever see a sign that says "Yard Sale" just keep on driving. They usually only have one yard for sale, and even then, it's always covered with a bunch of junk.

I have an idea for a new reality television show called Cannibal Island. Each week, one player will be eaten by the others until only one is left. The real beauty of this idea is that the cast won't be around to do an annoying reunion show.

I actually walked out of a bad movie the other night. But because I had rented it, that meant a night of sitting out in the front yard humming show tunes.

I bet the guy who first said, "Two heads are better than one" never worked as a fetal ultrasound technician.

The judge said he was afraid that my frequent thefts of Viagra have made me a hardened criminal.

Saying something over and over again doesn't make it true — unless, of course, you're saying, "I'm obnoxious and repetitive."

I told the cops I wasn't afraid of them because, just like the octopus, I could create a dark cloud for camouflage and escape. They laughed, but the joke's on them: They're never going to get that stain and smell out of their squad car.

Call me a hopeless romantic, but I believe in love at first sight. I even have a special word for it: "lust." (Wiley)
This one just happened to be something I’ve been pondering recently, but I wasn’t smart enough to make it into a joke like this guy. Maybe all my ponderings could make good ruminations…