SLIGHTLY ODWAY...

on meeting ryan, he said in his blog that i "was totally different to what [he] expected". so this makes me wonder what people expect from me? am i so different in my blogs to 'reality'? that's weird because i am me all the time - i'v been through the whole 'masked' or 'hidden' phase (i dunno what to call it), but i decided that i didnt like it there. so i'm me, Lauren/Lozza/Looza/Laurie/Loz/Poz/whatever you wanna call me, i'm still the same person right.
or was it a physical expectation? should i be prettier, fatter, thinner (which would probably be unhealthy), taller, shorter, more fashionable, daintier, i dunno... what do people expect me to be?
i thought i fit the role of annoying yr 12 student pretty well. ok so i may try to be intelligent or insightful at times but hey, doesnt everyone. the funny thing is that with most other peoples posts i have to whip out my dictionary to just understand what all the fancy words mean. or i cheat by using the thesorus on microsoft word. is that weird? i think so. there you go, lauren's secrets revealed.
this post is sounding really stupid. but hey, here it all is - unedited. there's another revelation - i read over my posts and edit them coz i get scared what people will think about my non-sensicle grammar and structural incapabilities. how pathetic am i. there you go, i aint editing this post and you can see just how sporatic and jumpy my mind is.
why am i angry and upset now?
man, ok now i can see why people get the wrong perseption of me. i really do have so many stupid little things i do that i try to keep consealed (there you go, i was about to say hidden, but i thought consealed sounded more intelligent). doesn't everyone though? people want others to think highly of them, so they say things that make them appear better than their 'real self'.
i dont want to post this anymore, but i will because i hate the way that i try to conceal the fact that i'm hiding me.
people dont know what's going on in my head right now. actually i dont really know anymore either. but i dont know what's really going on in anyone else's head either. i think i'm going through a state of confusion. my prayers for the last while have been just asking for help to see clearer what i'm meant to be doing. what should i do right now in my life? what should i aim for? who should i hang out with? yes and the fact that i dont know who i like more than that... there you go. that's me. i have no idea. there are no answers. there is hope, but nothing definite because everything is f'd. and i guess now if certain people read this post (which highly likely) their perspective and "expectations" of me will be completely changed...