SLIGHTLY ODWAY...

I wish I could blog from home. Blogging at church isn’t as enjoyable. I wrote some posts at home and had to save to disk and post them on the church computer. I felt silly. I miss blogging already. So many wonderful things have been happening and I can’t post anything. Supposedly I have to write the whole Chris story and post it. I think I better ask Chris first. He gets back from Forster next Saturday so I guess we can go through it all then. I’m almost tired of telling people what happened. But I’m also excited. It’s a good feeling. And I feel more free (which surprised me, coz I’ve never thought of being in a relationship as a freedom thing). Maybe it’s coz I don’t have to worry about who I talk to (yes I am talking about guys) coz I now know where I stand and I can just be me without worrying about what impression I’m giving across. That’s good I say. And it’s so great thinking of how God’s been working through everything for His purposes (and I guess my benefits too! Praise the Lord!). Oh man, just you wait til I can blog the whole thing. Actually, it will probably be even longer than that 4 page post I wrote a week ago, so you don’t have to read it.
Funny that. You write the most wonderful, exciting post and some dedicated people read it and go “wow that was long but good” and they’ll comment, but then most people will just read the short, unspecial posts and go “yeh, that was dumb”. I seem to get comments on the posts that aren’t very special to me, but the ones that I’ve put heaps into, no one reads or comments… I know I’m being silly coz there are some wonderful people who read my posts and/or comment, and I’m very very thankful that you take an interest in my life and my thoughts and all that. So if you’re still reading this post right to the end, I wanna say a big “thankyou” coz I really do appreciate you. I guess there are some things I write in my blog for my own satisfaction (as a way of releasing tension/thoughts/whatever) that I don’t really mind if people read it or not. But there are also things that I guess I write to get people interested in my thoughts and to make me look better (which is very selfish and quite pathetic really). I think alot of the time I want approval, and I want people to think highly of me so that I will be accepted. I wish I didn’t do that. Right now I’m writing to fill up time (maybe so that the people skim reading this post wont notice the “thankyou” in there somewhere). Sometimes I wish I could control the way my head works. I think I should stop soon. The bathroom is available now, so I’m off to have a shower.
Oh, but quickly – Tom’s talk was good. I want to attempt the challenge of being real and not judging myself about what I should be doing and how I’m a fatty sinner. I don’t know how to express my thoughts on the talk. Shall gather tomorrow… Something about me always trying to come across as a good Christian, with lots of quiet times and God experiences. I guess I’ve always felt the need to be accepted and admired (wow that took guts to say that!). Yeh so there it is! I always want to be admired, to appear holy, and to seem like I’ve got it all together. But I don’t. I never have/had/will have. I ain’t perfect. As much as I try to be, I never ever will be. Ok more revelations about Lauren are coming to your screen tomorrow… (hey yeh, I guess I was trying to be cool just then too – how pathetic of me. I wish I didn’t try so hard…)