SLIGHTLY ODWAY...

Wow I just found an old old booklet while cleaning up some stuff in my room. It just happened to be the EXTREME 200 YEARBOOK for our youth groups. Wow, the memories are truly fantastic. That’s 4 years of difference and it’s so funny. It’s so interesting to see how people have changed and stayed the same and who’s left and who’s stayed and all that jazz. I’m loving it! I’ll have to bring it to church on Sunday, just for a laugh. All these things I’m learning about people. I think I’ll show it to Tom and we can make one for this year’s Ernie. Oh man we have to!
I think I might cry. I know that sounds so corny, but something about reading about growing up and away and the things we did back then and how it’s so different now has made my heart almost break. I’m not sure if I’m sad or happy. I never thought we’d all end up so changed. I never thought particular people would leave. It never occurred to me that things would eventuate to what it has. Why did so many people leave our group? I wish I had been a better witness. It makes me want to go back and change the way I behaved and the dumb things I said. I wish I had understood Christianity sooner. I wish I was known as the well-behaved kid, the good kid, the Jesus Freak kid, the encouraging kid… Anything but the annoying kid. I never realised I was such a loner. Dam. I think people felt sorry for me. If I knew a kid now that was like me back then, I’d feel sorry for them. I think I really did have a mind case of ADD. Something was seriously wrong with me. I guess there’s tons still wrong with me. I wish people would tell me the detrimental things/habits I do that just aren’t good. I don’t ever ever ever want to be the annoying kid again.
I find it so amusing and upsetting at the same time (because I had been so self-righteous at that stage in my life. I guess I still am, but I’m trying not to) reading stuff that I had written back then. I know I was trying way too hard to look like a profound Christian. I don’t think I was being completely honest with myself or anyone else. How could I have been truly in love with God at such an age, with so much crap going on and so many issues. I am so sure that the leaders could see through me, but I had no idea. Things I wrote included:
Fav song: Like a child by Jars of Clay.
Best thing about being me: Miss helpful and advice.
If my life were made into a movie it would be called: Jesus Child.
See, I’m so pathetic. Why do I say such lies? Ok so maybe I had thought I was a good little Christian girl back then, but I know so well that looking back, I am completely embarrassed that I was such a self-righteous stuck-up snob. Wow I want to kick myself so hard! Stupid, stupid Lauren junior. Never again! I hate the fact that I tried too hard and I was completely see-through. No wonder people didn’t like me. No wonder I was labelled as “miss annoying”. And I was blind to it! I can’t believe myself! I suck man. It’s not that I don’t believe you can’t have God experiences at such an age. No, that’s fine. I probably did have those moments with God. The thing I’m angry with myself about is me being so cocky and sure of myself, and that I was oblivious to the fact that noone really wanted to hang out with me because I was so fixated ‘Lauren’ – me, myself & I. I was so sure of myself and thought that everyone should think I’m the best… I’m still selfish and I still want people to think highly of me though. And I hate that about me! I still say stuff in the hope that people will hopefully go “wow, Lauren’s really got this amazing heart for God. She’s so cool…” Everyone, I want you to know that I’m definitely not perfect. Far from it. I’m very very blessed to have so many fantastic people in my life. And I thank God for all the things He’s been showing me lately. I think maybe I have to get all this crap out of my system so that I can realise my faults and the things I have to fix (or rather that I can ask God to fix), and then I’ll be able to look to the future.
Also in something that Peter H had written in the booklet: “I think we can have an even greater global impact next year, don’t you?” I don’t remember doing anything too special to help the world. Man that’s something on my heart at the moment. I don’t know what doing, but there’s stuff I feel like I’m not getting involved in that I should be. I know I keep on telling myself “after the HSC I’ll do this…” But there you go – when all exams are done, I’m doing stuff! I’m gonna be busy. No sitting around. There’s the soup kitchen in the city for a starting point. I don’t really know where to go from there, but I know God has a plan and He’ll show what He wants me to do. Lord I pray that You’ll equip me with the ears and heart to be receptive to what You’re trying to tell me.

Reading stuff like this makes me determined to push the kids in Ernie to greater levels. It makes me ponder and challenge new ways of encouraging the girls in Triple G (God’s Gorgeous Gals – Beck and my bible study group). I love the fact that we write them letters and hang out and that they’re bringing their friends along. I love that God does stuff even when we’re exceedingly lazy. I love the fact that even if we don’t understand and do exactly what God wants, He’s still the same beautiful, loving, awesome Creator. It’s exciting and scary at the same time that I have no idea what I should be doing to spread God’s Kingdom, but He always seems to provide opportunities. Like last night at the Alpha Course, Courtney, Beck, Leech and I did a ring around and convinced 7 or so non-Christian friends of ours to come along with us and see what it was all about. And they enjoyed it! And more are thinking of coming/have said they will come next week. Our God is amazing! When I think all hope is lost and doors are slammed shut and locked with big fat padlocks and no key, He really does open windows! It’s true. My heart had sunk to the lowest of lows when mum scoffed at the thought of going to see Ian McCormack, but then last night she was so open to my beliefs! The power of prayer really is miraculous! It’s almost scary! I get excited thinking that there is still a possibility for my parents to one day make it to Heaven.

Wow, mixed emotions about so many things! God is good! He’s got a plan. I’m excited to see what happens…