SLIGHTLY ODWAY...

i have issues!!!

it's been a little joke with Stephen Morse that we both have 'issues'... well i've been realising that i actually do have unresolved issues going on that are hazardous...

so i want to apologise to everyone in the blogging world in general to start my season of confession.
there have been many times that i've written stuff in my blog for sympathy, etc. i wanna stop doing that ok.
also many of my posts are bitter and twisted. i'm sick of complaining. you know, it's actually a sin to complain (see Philippians 2:14).

there are many people that i may have been a negative influencial character/contributor, and i want to say sorry for the stupid and selfish things i have said they may have offended and hurt people.


this is not a negative post, it could actually be quite a liberating and healthy message. Praise God that He's put this on my heart and wants me to get down and dirty to fix the mess i've made. it's good.

Reading over some notes that i took today in my "leadership and faith" lecture today, i found an interesting little points i'd written:
"Demons are like the bugs under the floorboards - they're happy as long as there's no light. When you expose a trouble in your heart, you're ripping up a floorboard, revealing light onto those demons as they scurry away"...
the word 'demons' was actually referring to sin at the time, so it really spoke to me for where i am right now.

ok
tonight has been slightly productive by the fact that i've done half of my to-do list, including calling a vast array of people (although only being able to get a hold of half) and organising ernie jnr girls small groups. i realise that this aint really that good, but considering my brain being fried, scramble and poached (however you like your eggs...), i still did alright for myself.

you know that saying "be careful what you wish for..." well i think that's a stupid but quite true saying. you pray for something, but God finds great enjoyment and amusement in answering those prayers in one sense, but absolutely different from what you really wanted to see happen... so many of my prayers of late have had that effect. but in that, i know that it's for the best and will eventuate to something better than i was prepared to settle for.
and i hate being so discrete in this sense, but it's for the best too.

but at least it's teaching me patience, obedience and slowly humility too.

today i realised two things (well i'm sure there were tons of other things too, but i can only think of two right now...):
1. people at my college are different from me. noone wants to jest or be silly. everyone wants to be mature and yeh. today i wanted to play, but noone would be my playmate...
2. i think i need glasses/specs. i'm going fuzzy-eyed way too often.

also, 3. north rocks is a long way away at 6am in the morning, and it's not possible to get back to oxford falls within 2 hrs in tuesday morning traffic...

ok it's been a long and cringeing day, so far-the-well and good night!

it's interesting how people think they know you, and you think you know them, but then something happens and you got this surprise coz they haven't reacted the way you expect and you react different from what you know they'd expect...
or you just notice how much they've changed...
or you realise that they're just a hypocrite...

or maybe it's just that i've had an awfully long day and my view of the world has distorted due to extreme sleep-deprevation...

but at least on saturday i can get away from sydney again...

ha! funny that i just read my comments on being a welcoming body of Christ (and felt very loved and quite popular due to the vast number of them) and found luke h encouraging someone to tell of their dreams and live them out...
and now i'm feeling rather silly and vulnerable. there's no way i'm telling any person of my dreams.
yet this does not mean i shalln't live them out, it just means i get to be more spy-ish, which can be more fun, dangerous and exciting.

also the fact that i'm a loner, i'd rather go this alone - just me and my Father...

but i do agree that the key to trust, respect and fellowship is vulnerability.

Ok, I have less than 9 hours of availability left!
Thereafter I shall live a life of celibacy for the duration of this year…

(College officially starts at 8am tomorrow, at which I am not permitted to start any new romantic relationships during my first year until graduation at the end of the year.)
Quite depressing in a way, but maybe exciting in another sense, that I know all relationships must be platonic and thus hopefully uncomplicated.
But it’s funny that today happens to be valentine’s day, and so I do wonder if anyone from my college shall take this chance to hook up…?

Th’sarvo Bonnie (my best friend from primary school) came over for dinner. Was so good to hang out with her. And it was funny to hear her take on guys, marriage, kids, adulthood… She doesn’t ever really want to get married or have kids. I understand, having kids completely changes everything and turns your world upside-down, but there’s something special about being a mummy that one day I look forward to experiencing. Please don’t think I’m being clucky or desperate or anything like that. This is something for the far-off future. And I agree with Fiona King and Sally Irwin’s idea that God wouldn’t place a desire like that in someone’s heart without intending it to happen… He calls us to multiply, and it really only a very special calling that would prevent a woman from bearing children (think about Mother Teresa – if she had had a husband and children, there is no way that she could have been the blessing to all those other people that she was).

Why am I feeling so dam reluctant write about my humanly desires to some day be a mother?
In our society it’s such an unspoken thing – single girls who talk about having children are labelled as desperately seeking, boys with an open desire to one day have kids are labelled selfish pigs and hornbags… Yet we praise the woman with no agenda to have children and call her a career woman, which is a highly esteemed image of this world.
Why do we jump to conclusions and judge others about the desires and passions of our hearts, labelling and gossiping and ridiculing and reasoning with each other? I know I absolutely fear anyone learning my most deepest hopes for what I will do in my life. There’s not much chance that I would share it with anyone, especially not in the near future. It seems too big. People will roll their eyes and doubt I’ll ever make it…
And it saddens me that I feel the need for such a privacy screen over my heart. It grieves me that only Jesus and I will ever be able to really discuss this. And the worse thing is that I believe that other people are suffering in a similar way to that which I am.

Anyway, I’m so sceptical about CCC. Tomorrow shall again be quite interesting…

Welcome…
‘Tis the issue of the moment…
Why do we, as Christians, fail so miserably at such a simple task as welcoming and accepting people into our church? We spend so much of our time, prayers, emotions and cares on preaching a few individuals in the hope that they’ll come to know Jesus as their Saviour, yet we fail to open up to people who are readily knocking on our doors… It angers me. I do it all the time. I see my friends do it. I went to CCC SCA orientation day today and it happened to me there a bit. I know that I’m quite an outgoing person and I usually make the initial efforts to integrate myself into a new crew of people, but I still felt slightly rejected. All the first year students (that’s me) were assigned a second or third year buddy. I got put with a lovely third year student called Emily. But even though we both made an effort, there was a feeling that I was just a burden and really she just wanted to catch up with her friends who she hadn’t seen in a few months but was stuck with her little buddy. But that’s ok, I released her from her burden as soon as I could.

But pondering afterwards, it so dawned on me that this is how people must feel going into new churches. They step out of there car with the resolution that this is gonna be cool and it’ll be fun to make friends. Then as they near the doors and hear the laughing and jesting, a thought enters their head that, "hey, I’m here by myself and I’m gonna have to put in some effort to enfold myself in a group". If this doesn’t make them reconsider their decision to try out this new church, the next image might. As they round the corner and enter through the half open doors, they look around and observe the ‘holy huddles’. At this, a dismal revelation conjures in their mind that they know no one and no one wants to know them coz everybody here already has enough friends and they’re all quite content. Embarrassed at their folly, the ‘newbie’ quickly finds the nearest seat (obviously up the back of the church) to hind in, and is left alone by all other church-goers who sit in their own little clicks. The service begins and no one notices the little newbie up the back hiding behind the pews. The worship-leaders worship, the preachers preach, the congregation congregates. Then the service ends and a fear of being spotted because of their lonerism grips the newbie, and they leave quickly without ever interacting. They don’t come back.
And we all know that that’s a seriously common story!
What’s wrong with us? Are we seriously that self-centred? Why?
It’s especially true in Sydney. Everyone seems so busy, too booked up for a chat. Someone asks us what we’re doing this week and if we’d like to hang out for a coffee and we automatically whip out our diaries and check our previous engagements, cringing slightly, then resolve for a small 1hr slot in a week-and-a-halves time away…
Maybe it’s a matter of genuine invitation – we need to feel like we’ve been allowed to interact with others, without feeling like we’re bothering or inconveniencing others.

But how did Jesus, the true perfect model, manage this? Surely He didn’t carry around a little pocket diary. He was always welcoming people into His presence. Actually, more than that, people were drawn to His presence, not because of superficial reasons like appearance (for which He would probably have been quite unattractive anyway – well, they didn’t have showers back then and was tramping around on dusty roads and deodorant didn’t exist back then…) or wealth (as He definitely wasn’t rich in material possessions). What was it that He contained that expressed an invitation that caused multitudes of people to throng around Him? What was it that allowed people to feel able to be vulnerable in front of Him?
Was not that same Spirit of love within Him the same Spirit that is supposedly within us? If so, what’s happened and where has it gone?

We spend so much time promoting ourselves, our youth group, our church, etc, but we never take the time to welcome people who come along. It’s just common knowledge now that, even though Hillsong have the largest number of people in their church, they also have the highest drop-out rate…

So I tried to justify it all by thinking that, the bigger the church, the more clicks and the easier to overlook newbies. But then I remembered a friend telling me how she’d visited a church service of about 12 other Christians, and not one said hello to her the whole time she was there.

So if it’s not the quantity that’s the issue, is it the quality???
It’s painful to agree isn’t it?
How could our church become so inwardly focused when we’re always preaching about the outward aspects of growth? We continue to fight the good fight, but maybe it’s not quite the right fight. Maybe the real battle is not going on outside the church walls, but within. Maybe there’s someone in the back row that has come to our church a few times and they’re just waiting for someone to genuinely welcome them. Maybe they’re not just in the back row. Maybe they’re the person I sit next to every week who I think feels included, but maybe they really are just craving for someone to re-connect with them.
I know I make the excuse that "I’m on worship tonight, so I’m exempt" or "I’ve been helping out with the youth, so this is my time with my friends and my God", but is that really being gracious?

I know that this post is probably not gonna be read by many, and probably not all the way through either, so really it’s just me expressing my frustration with my self-centred-ness and the blindness of some of my friends. Please don’t think I’m condemning anyone in particular. This is just something that’s been really close to my heart of late, and it keeps popping up in many of my conversations. Heck, our bible study at homegroup tonight focused on this sorta stuff!

Sorry if I've offended anyone.
You're all very much welcome to chat with me about it. Really really. Talk with me - I invite you. Just wait a second while I get my diary out though...

ok, sorry, that last little bit was a bit scum. but it's so true...

ATTENTION DAVID!!!

i don't have david's email address or phone number, so blog is the only means of contacting him.
David, sorry, not coming to commy dinner tonight coz:
a) don't have transport (nic has the car)
b) don't have navigator (liz isn't gonna be home in time to come)
i now they'r crap excuses, but i'll make it up to you somehow...

Sometimes dreams can clear things up a bit. The last coupla nights I’ve had some pretty random dreams that have help me sort out a few issues. it’s a bit annoying coz it’s meant that I’m not getting a deep sleep, but hey, it’s kinda cool at the same time.Also weird about it is that I don’t really know what things have been reality and what have been from dreamland. Oh well…

i'm currently downloading msn messenger beta (7.0). sounds fun. but now i have to get out of my blog account coz it's telling me to so that it can finish...

Tonight after the soul meeting Tan and I had a good chat. Nowhere near long enough coz it got late, but good none the less. T’was enjoyable to finally catch up a bit, coz it’s been a while. And lots has changed and developed in our own lives, so it was exciting to hear where Tan’s at and what she’s up to now. I need more Tan times I think. I love my Tannie! She inspires me with her interesting ideas about our God, church, community, friends, etc. Always very encouraging and insightful are Tanya’s convos.
I’m so blessed to have a sister in Christ like Tannie. I need more close siblings in Christ to keep me accountable and focused on God.

Today I worked with a rather rude and obnoxious girl who kept swearing and whingeing, and I found myself wishing that everyone were Christian. And then it occurred to me that I should always be in that mindset, that I should always be craving for God’s kingdom to come on earth. It made me smile, thinking that I’m so wrapped in my own world and sometimes I need to be brought back to the reality of it all, being reminded of what’s on God’s heart.

Today was interesting. Not really that fun, but interesting none the less.

like how can the addition of one instrument have such an effect on a piece of music. listening to damien rice, and as soon as the violin enters in the blowers daughter, something clicks and tears well up. so so beautiful....

It’s bazaar how a song can have so much significance.
You’re in a particular mood and a song comes on and coincidentally the singer is experiencing exactly the same emotions you’re feeling. It’s amazing.
Or maybe they’re singing about something completely different, but somehow their words reflect something similar to what you’re going through.
And it’s also interesting how a song can completely change your mood.
And it’s strange how people (myself included) choose a particular cd to listen to depending on their mood. Eg. I’m listening to Garbage right now coz I’m a bit "grrrrr, screw this world…"
I tried listening to some Donovan Frankenrieter to lighten my grrrrrrrr-ness, but he just made me more grrrrr coz he’s to relaxed and I guess there’s some jealousy there coz I’m tense as.
But I’m still amused by how a song can change, establish and expose your emotional stability…

I really really really don’t wanna go to work today...

Something extremely amusing that I’ve discovered recently is happy tree friends. Good laugh I say…
In other news, why do I feel so out of place right at the moment? Where do I belong? I don’t know why I feel like this. Well I can think of a few dozen things that make my everyday world seem unpleasant and uncomfortable and lacking, but I don’t think I should delve into them in such a public way.
Talking about public, tonight after church we all went back to a lovely young family’s house for our "first Sunday" gathering, where I discovered that many new faces had popped up at church tonight. I’m so impressed that there were like 5 or so people who came to church by themselves not knowing anyone at all. It’s good to know that God’s still in action even when I’m heaps lazy, stubborn and proud.
It’s so difficult to make conversation with new people when you’re in your group of friends in a place I know. I’m so over clicks! But it makes me appreciate other people who do that for me so much though. Like it was so cool to hang out with the Wollongong crew – they were so loving, welcoming and accepting.
I don’t know what’s going on in my head today. I’m tired, confused and clumsy. I even forgot to plug in my guitar tonight and didn’t notice til 2 songs into worship… Big learning experience night for Lauren.
I’ve been a grump today. And I have no reason or excuse at all…
Tomorrow night is a Soul Survivor meeting at my place, and I’ve got so much that I need to do in prep so that I at least won’t appear lazy.
And I’m working at Michel’s at 12pm with my pregnant boss tomorrow. She’s due in less than 2 weeks! How absolutely ridiculous is it that she’s working?!

something bout being back in sydney, i dunno, changes your mood...
i don't like syders sometimes.
there's nothing really exciting to do, but i'm always busy and my head is always ticking over. i've got a headache and my head's reeling.
why is that? what is it about being back home that adds a degree of stress and urgency to everything? why does everything need to hurry and hassle?
i don't like living in a city sometimes...

i think it's time for some sleep. oh no, will it fit in with tomorrow's schedule?! well, i'll have to set my alarm... (note the sarcasm)

I had the coolest time in the Gong yesterday and today. It’s a bit depressing to think that ‘hey, I’m back in the reality of Syders now, and will be for a long time coz I got no time off for a long long while’…
The gong is full of such fantastic people. Heaps easy-going. Very much the random question ‘hey, wachyoos doin today? Let’s do suchandsuch…’ kinda laid-back place.
I’d love to live there.
But then-again, maybe it’s the company…
T’was so cool to hang out with people who have the same weird streak in ‘em.
Some, like Sarah (Perky) and Rochelle, where heaps funny, a bit crazy at times and even had the same sad humour as me. Not too often do I come across such gorgeous silly-billies…
And then there’s people like Luke who you can’t quite figure out, but there’s something bout them that once you get to know a bit, you don’t wanna have to depart. I wish I had a bro in Sydney like Luke. Way too funny, random, playful…
And man, Figtree Church is massive. No one warned me! Walked in to the old entrance where there’s the original normal-sized service room and was thinking, wow, this is nice/comfortable/funky (with it’s purple pews). But then the new section loomed up, which I had no idea about, and was just in awe of how massive it was. Had this entrance foyer the size of St Stephens, a welcome lounge thingy and then this humungous service room about the size of CCC Oxford Falls. It even had its own cyclorama! T’was impressed.

Sorry, I have to stop there for a sec. Nic just walked into my room, farted and walked back out. I’m dying…

Ok, smell has faded a bit. Shall keep going… Where was I?
Yeh, anyway, Figtree was a huge church and I was a little overwhelmed and intimidated.
The CD recording thing last night was cool too. Very much what I would expect at a CCC cd recording. Four or five vocalists, bass, 2 elec guitars, 1 acoustic, full drum kit, 2 keyboardists, choir, choir conductor, music director, lots of lighting, sound technicians, photographers, camera men, etc. plus a large audience (which they all thought was quite pathetically small)…
Did I mention the sound boards? They had about five, which were about twice the size of the one at St Stephens. Wow – tech it up!

In a way I’m glad to be home, but then again, why did I have to come back to reality? And when will I be able to see my Wollongong friends again?

I had so much fun today at the beach (each of the 3 times we went) with Sarah, Luke, Sarah Deane, Adam and Rochelle. T’was great to be silly and immature and all those wonderful things that only happen so often in Sydney coz everyone’s busy and don’t wanna come out to play (me included).
T’was a trip packed full of shenanigans and good laughs and randomness…

But I tell you what, my heart sank coming back to Sydney (still a fair way off) when I saw 3 signs all pointing different directions saying “Sydney city”… So I chose the one that also had an airport arrow on it (I figured that I should do my trip down in reverse to get back home – just tellin you now, bad move). Of course I ended up in some random back streets and then eventually in the “Sydney airport domestic terminal”. After contemplating the thought of jumping on a plane and going back to the Gong or some other great Aussie destination, I proceeded to redirect my way through to botany and then back through the city. And now I’m home – yay! I made it! My first drive through the city, my first longish drive anywhere, and all alone too… Only stuffed up twice, which concluded to be alright (but a bit slower) in the end…

Still feel a bit bad for dogging youth leading last night though.

But all in all, definitely well worth it!


PS. I have plenty more I was thinking of writing, but I’m buggered and I probably wont ever get round to it now, so my apologies…

I have found that there are many situations where I act like I know lots about something I have either a vague idea or no idea at all about, but then there are other times that I pretend I’m completely clueless about things when I know exactly what’s going on.
Why do I do that?
I know that maybe one reason could be because I'm a chick and I'm sick of stereotypes about how girls can't do this and that, or they're really good at this and that, and I kinda wanna obliterate those stereotypes, so I pretend I'm different to those stereotypes.
hmmm...
It's mostly about things I'm supposed to be good at, like music. really truly i'm quite clueless...

Devastating moment:
Noticed some insects on a window sill and felt compassion for them. So I grabbed the little baby cicada by its wings and threw it out the window, watching it fly away happily. Then with some difficulty, scooped up the beautiful green grasshopper in a cup and flinged it out the window too. As a watched in content at my act of kindness towards these creatures a nasty grey bird swooped straight through my front garden and intercepted the flying grasshopper in one swift movement! then proceeded to feed this beautiful green grasshopper to its little baby birdy in a nearby tree…
Heartbroken!

maps are fun i think
i think i'm rather sensitive about the chauvenistic view that women can't read maps. i love reading maps. i think many girls are actually better than males at directing from maps. of course there are many girls who are hopeless at navigating their way along a chart, but there are plenty of guys just as pathetic as that.
i'm currently working out my trip to wollongong and trying to decipher exactly where figtree church would be. they tell me it's in wollongong and that's all, but i have discovered that it's actually in a suburb called figtree. this does not help.
but anyway, i've found it.
now i just have to figure out which way i should go - the traditional way through sydney city or the more scenic (less hectic) way through ryde... i'v never actually driven through the city (in the driver's seat), but i know it well. i don't know the ryde way well. thus can you see my dilemma (which isn't really a dilemma, but still a debate)...
anyway, that's what's processing th'smorning

also churning over stuff from last night's soul survivor meeting, which was very productive, but very tiring (poor pete who had no idea what was going on).
and it was highlighted how much i use brackets, which i'd never noticed before, but i guess i do. brackets are good, coz they allow for background info which helps later on when you can't remember what that point was. eg. the 3phase distribution box comes in an orange box, thus i would write "(orange box)" because otherwise i aint gonna know where the heck it is and i'll stress out on the day coz i wont be able to find it coz i wouldn't remember what the heck it looks like.
anyway, my point is, brackets are helpful.

it turns out that the vanity tradesman just arrived at my doorstep. i'm glad nic's home, coz i can't be bothered to deal with any tradesmen today.

i had a fun weekend sharing this year's vision for ernie with other youth leaders. tom and helen are truly funny people. highlights included tom's dramatic reading of an old book we found at Helen's grandparents' place (with character voices, accents and sound-effects included), get-to-know-you games of things that we've done through the week that noone else knows about, owning up to untrue secrets, cafe-ing, Soul Survivor-ing, converting eachother to Christianity (proud to say that i wasn't converted...) and a ton of other fabulous things as well...
t'was fun!

i'm excited bout going down to wollongong this friday and saturday. should be interesting. i love my gong friends who i met down in soul melbourne. it'll be fun to see what they get up to. chuffed that sarah said i could stay over at her place. i like hanging out with new people in new places.
hanging out with new people in old places that i'm used to isn't as fun i don't think.
maybe i like new places

well that's enough for the mo coz i gotta get on with things coz i gotta be at work by 2pm...
cheerio!